


Learning to Breathe

by jennynivea



Series: Learning to Be Series [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Explicit Language, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Explicit, Romance, Self-Harm, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-04-18 05:53:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4694522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennynivea/pseuds/jennynivea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After confronting the trauma of his past, Alec must learn to navigate love, intimacy and adulthood in this sequel to Learning to Be. Malec, Alec/Jace friendship and Lightwood family dynamics. See warnings inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. By the Sword

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare created Mortal Instruments and all the characters and the universe used in this story. Like Learning to Be, the actual plot of the series is largely ignored and may only appear in a cursory manner.
> 
> A/N: The sequel to Learning to Be is finally here! Thank you for all that have stuck with me through this story. If you haven't read Learning to Be, you can click on my username and find it in my list of stories. I would love to hear what your thoughts are on that story. It's complete :).
> 
> This sequel will be exactly 12 chapters long, exploring the first year after the events of Learning to Be. Chapters will vary in length, with this chapter being pretty long and heavy on the angst. While my intention is not to make this story as heartbreaking as its predecessor, it deals with the same issues and Alec's journey will not be an easy one. Nevertheless, there is hope, joy and love in this story, as there was in Learning to Be.
> 
> In this chapter, there is platonic Jalec abound.
> 
> Important: "September 2008" refers to a day an year after the events of Learning to Be
> 
> Warning: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including discussion and memories of sexual abuse of minors (not explicitly described) and self-destructive behavior. There is also some coarse language and adult sexual content in this story.

* * *

**September 2008**

* * *

Magnus heard the door to the bedroom open slowly, soft witchlight escaping between fingers covering most of the stone. Magnus cracked open his eyes slightly, watching his boyfriend sneak into the room, his featherlight Nephilim footsteps soundless against the hardwood floor.

He was discarding his bow and quiver in the corner and peeling away some of the leather gear gingerly. As much as Magnus wanted to just watch as Alec got ready for bed, he decided to let the younger man know that he was awake. Even after a year of exploring each other emotionally and physically, Magnus felt the need to maintain a certain level of caution with Alec, despite Alec's insistence that he didn't need it.

"Hi darling," Magnus said softly, sitting up in the bed.

Alec jerked his head up and instantly blushed. "I thought I was being quiet," he said, sheepishly.

"You were as quiet as a mouse. I was still awake."

Alec looked at the digital clock and frowned. "It's almost 4am Magnus! What are you still doing up?"

"Waiting for you," he said, smiling at the teenager. "Long night?"

As if on cue, Alec groaned as he peeled away his leather vest. He nodded as he rubbed the back of his neck, like he was trying to get rid of a kink. "A lot of demon activity tonight. You shouldn't have waited up."

He tossed the outer hunting clothes into his laundry basket and approached the bed. Bending over, Alec grazed his lips against Magnus's mouth. Magnus immediately tried to deepen the kiss but Alec pulled away and Magnus whined softly.

Alec sighed reluctantly. "I don't want to get ichor on you. Let me jump in the shower first."

As the Nephilim stepped back, Magnus grabbed his hand, pulling him back just a bit. Alec turned around and smiled. "I'll be 10 minutes tops."

Magnus didn't let his hand go. "Happy Anniversary, Alexander," Magnus said, squeezing the younger man's hand.

Alec's face flushed again and he cast his eyes down.

"Did you forget?" Magnus asked, amused.

Alec shook his head and looked up. He bit his bottom lip and smiled shyly. "I didn't want to make a big deal out of it," he whispered. "I didn't want to seem juvenile."

Magnus smiled broadly and pulled him into another kiss. "It is most definitely a big deal and we will most definitely be celebrating."

* * *

**October 2007 (11 months earlier)**

* * *

Tension radiated off of Alec as he sat beside Jace on the bench outside the Silent Brothers' council chamber. He was hunched over, his elbows digging into his thighs as he buried his head in his hands. Jace wanted to touch him, place a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but he knew it would do Alec no good in the moment.

Just the other day he had found Alec reading a book on the Mortal Sword in the Institute. Apparently, Alec thought that reading every detail would make it easier for him to endure the Sword but Jace wondered if it just increased his anxiety. Jace's own anxiety seemed to be building up as he thought about what Alec was going to be forced to do and it infuriated him.

The Lightwood parents, Jace and Alec had arrived at the Silent City just passed noon while Izzy had stayed behind with Max. The Silent Brothers had insisted that as many witnesses submitted to the Sword. Jace wished that his testimony and that of Alec's parents were enough to spare Alec the pain of the Soul-Sword. But Jace knew that Alec was the only one who could explain the full extent of Manson's crimes against him and James, who could not submit to the Sword as a Downworlder.

His thoughts were quickly pushed aside as the heavy door leading into the council chamber opened. Alec's parents stepped out, followed by Brother Jeremiah. Both Lightwoods looked pale and shaken.

"Alec, dear," Maryse said softly.

The blue-eyed teenager's body jerked and his head snapped up, his eyes darting between his parents and the Silent Brother.

Jace jumped to his feet. "I'll go next."

Alec stood up. "No Jace, I'll go."

"Alec..."

"I want to get this over with." His voice was barely a whisper and Jace doubted anyone else could hear him.

"Let me come with you," Jace pleaded, even though he already knew the answer.

Alec shook his head stiffly. "I don't..." He paused. "I'll be fine."

The absurdity of Alec's words hung heavily in the hall. Jace couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed his hands in his own and squeezed them, ignoring Alec's instinct to pull away.

"I'm here, okay?" he said, knowing that any other reassurances would ring false.

Alec nodded mutely and turned away from his parabatai, following the Silent Brother into the council chambers.

**xxxxxx**

Alec had tried to clear his mind. He knew exactly what was expected of him. He knew exactly how it was supposed to feel. He knew that it hurt more, the more painful the memories were. All of this he knew. But he couldn't stop his heart from pounding so loudly that it felt like a bass blaring in his ears. His palms were sweaty and his face was no doubt whiter than his usually pale complexion.

And yet, he silently followed Brother Jeremiah into the chambers and waited for instructions, his face stoic and unreadable. Inside the room, one more Silent Brothers stood outside the circle of the Speaking Stars.

 _You must kneel in the circle of the Speaking Stars,_ Brother Jeremiah said, the words appearing in Alec's mind, like an unwanted intrusion. Alec held back a flinch and silently nodded.

Once he was kneeling in the circle he suddenly felt horribly alone, kneeling helplessly surrounded by strangers. He turned his head, staring at the door, wondering if this would be easier if Jace was in the room with him.

The Brother to the left, Brother Zachary, if Alec remembered correctly, stepped forward and held the Sword. The massive, silver, double-edged Sword gleamed in the torchlit room, the wings above the hilt spreading out over the Brother's grip.

 _Once you are handed the Sword, you must hold the Sword, blade pointing upward and await questioning,_ Brother Jeremiah explained.

Alec nodded mutely, holding his hands out for the Sword. He was staring at the Sword as if it was going to grow talons that would sink into him. Despite his trepidation, he took a hold of it without hesitation, knowing that he needed to get this over with, knowing that stalling only delayed the inevitable.

Instantly, pain seared through his hands and ran up his arms. He bit down on his bottom lip, refusing to cry out. It was like he was being pierced a hundred times by sharp glass, digging into his flesh and refusing to let go. He tried to steady his breathing. He had felt worse pain before, even caused some it, but it had been years since he wasn't in control of it and that terrified him more than the pain itself.

 _Who is in the room with you?_ Brother Jeremiah started.

"Brother Jeremiah and Brother Zachary," Alec said, his voice surprisingly steady.

_How old are you?_

"I turned 18 in September."

 _We have spoken with your parents and they told us of the time they saw Benedict Manson engaging in unwanted sexual intercourse with you. Do you remember and confirm the incident they are referring to?_ Brother Jeremiah asked.

Alec nodded, the sword compelling him into response. The anguish of holding the cold, heavy weapon intensified.

_How old were you?_

"13."

_When was the first time he engaged in unwanted sexual activity with you?_

The words were immediately compelled out of him. "October 2002," he replied.

_What did he do and how did you respond?_

Details suddenly came into sharp focus in his mind. The senses he remembered, the feelings, the fear and confusion, like he was there, like he was 13, like it was happening all over again. He bit his tongue and soon tasted blood. Every part of his body was on fire. His mind was being torn apart with an anguish that was both familiar and foreign while he felt himself being forced to speak, in more detail than he ever wanted to pass his lips.

**xxxxxx**

Jace was pacing. He walked exactly 20 steps forward, turned around and walked 20 steps back and repeated. The Lightwood parents were seated on the bench. Robert looked so unlike the stoic shadowhunter Jace was accustomed to. He had his head in his hands, his fingers laced through his hair. Maryse had her head leaned back against the wall, her eyes red and puffy.

She looked over at Jace and sighed. "Jace, why don't you take a seat?"

Jace instantly shot her a nasty glare. "They've had him in there for too long!"

Robert lifted his head, staring blankly at the teenager. "They're going through nine months of abuse and the more recent events," he said. "And unfortunately, the Sword forces the holder to speak in details."

"Fuck!" Jace screamed. "Why do we have to go through all this shit to put away a child rapist? We all know it! Why the fuck do they need to do this to him?"

He was rambling at this point. Asking questions he already knew the answer to. This is how the Clave have done things for centuries. This is how they determine innocence or guilt and the severity of the punishment.

Suddenly, Jace heard Alec cry out from behind the door. Both his parents snapped their heads towards the door, concern etched on their faces.

And just like before, when he charged into the room and shoved Manson off of Alec, Jace found himself running into the room.

When he entered the room, he could see Brother Jeremiah and Brother Zachary standing outside the circle of the Speaking Stars, facing a kneeling Alec. He was kneeling upright in the circle, his face as pale as paper, tears slowly running down his face. Jace knew he hated crying in front of others and that he couldn't even brush the offending tears away. His entire body was trembling as he held on tightly to the massive Sword.

"Stop it!" Jace yelled. "He's told you enough. I can tell you about the things that happened now."

 _We must have his perspective,_ Brother Zachary explained. Oddly, the words forming in his mind sounded sympathetic.

"It's okay, Jace," Alec said, though his voice did little to convince him. It was low and raspy, the voice of someone who has spoken too long on a topic that caused too much pain.

When Alec spoke again, Jace realized that one of the Brothers must have asked him a question.

"I had my face turned away from the door. I didn't hear Max open the door. I guess...I had a system...at some point in the night, like every night before, he would stop demanding my participation and I could go somewhere else in my mind as he...as he..." Alec turned his face away, so Jace couldn't see it.

Jace felt like a knife was stabbing at his heart as he remembered Alec's request to do this alone.

"I'll go, Alec."

Alec turned his head back to him, tears anew. "I can't...I can't do...please stay with me, Jace."

Jace could see the conflict running across his face.

"I don't want you to hear this...any of this...but..." He closed his eyes. "I don't want to be alone either."

Instantly, Jace was stepping into the cirlce and kneeling beside his parabatai. "I'm not leaving, Alec," he said, his arm wrapping around Alec's shoulders protectively. "And you don't have anything to be ashamed of."

Alec was still trembling. Jace could feel the strain in his muscles as he held the heavy Sword up. He nodded into the embrace and Jace pulled away, his hands remaining on Alec's arms.

Alec continued. "I could go somewhere else in my mind as he started...when he was having sex with me." He looked away and Jace squeezed his arm reassuringly. "It always hurt but I was used to it. It was a waiting game. Sometimes I could spend the majority of that time not present but he usually did something unexpected to bring me back.

But this time the unexpected thing came from my family. My mother screamed. Manson stopped moving. He turned his head and swore. I was back in the present and when I turned my head, I saw my parents and my brothers in the doorway.

I wanted to die. So many things happened in the span of seconds. He looked down at me, his hands pressed into my chest. I felt them twitch, like he was debating on whether or not to wrap them around my neck and kill me...kill me while he was...was still inside me."

Alec shuddered.

"But before I could think about anything, Jace was charging forward. Everything happened quickly after that. My father was yelling and my mother was holding me. Then my father took Manson away and my mother led me to the bathroom. I don't remember all the details after that. Mostly feelings...pain, shame, fear, guilt."

Jace wanted to know what he could feel guilty about but he didn't ask, not wanting to have any part in forcing him to answer questions while he held the Sword.

 _When did you start speaking again?_ asked Brother Jeremiah, the words now appearing in Jace's mind too.

"I started speaking soon after he was gone. I didn't consciously stop speaking to start with. It was like I couldn't physically do it. Then he was gone and almost everyone knew my secret. After he was gone, I remember sitting crosslegged in the bathroom in front of the mirror, opening and closing my mouth, trying to form a word but failing. Finally, in the kitchen, with my mother and siblings there, Izzy asked me if I would try some soup she was trying to make and I said 'no', soft and hoarse. I was as surprised as they were."

**xxx**

_Alec sat there staring at his family, his face turning red as they stared back at him in shock. Had he really just spoken? His own voice sounded foreign to him. Izzy stepped forward, her eyes wide and excited._

_Alec quickly stood up and stepped back._

_"Alec, honey," his mom started._

_Without thinking, Alec turned and fled. He slammed the door to his new room shut and fell into the bed, burying his face in his pillow. His entire body was trembling. He tried to speak into the pillow but he didn't know what to say._

_Before he could think any further on it, he heard the door creep open._

_He went impossibly still, his heart seeming to rise into his throat at the all too familiar sound. He was back. He had come back to hurt him. Alec would never be safe. He pushed his face deeper into his pillow as the footsteps got closer._

_He didn't even seem to register that he was talking into the pillow. "Please, don't, please, please, don't do this, please. I'll be good, I promise. I'll be good."_

_A hand touched the back of his shoulder and he flinched so violently, his body shifted in the bed and from the corner of his eyes he could see that it wasn't Manson but his 11-year-old sister._

_She was standing by his bed, worry etched painfully on her face. She had been talking this whole time and he hadn't heard her._

_"Alec, you're scaring me."_

_Alec didn't even have the time to register his relief. He hated seeing his baby sister look so terrified. He turned around and sat up in the bed. "I'm sorry, Izzy," he said, his voice still hoarse from disuse._

_Without saying anything, Izzy crawled into the bed beside him and brushed her fingers against his face, brushing away tears he didn't even realize were wetting his face. She wiped his face so gently that he didn't even flinch away. Izzy was crying too. She drew herself closer and placed her head against his chest._

_"Please Alec," she said. "Don't stop talking again."_

_Alec kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arms around her. "I won't, Izzy. I promise."_

**xxx**

Jace knelt silently beside Alec as he was forced to talk in detail about how he coped with the abuse after Manson was gone. The cutting, the running, the abandoned vampire den and all the emotions that went with them.

It was so painful and exhausting hearing it that he could only imagine the anguish it caused Alec. And Jace hadn't even been there for Alec when he was talking about the bulk of the abuse.

When they got to the events that played out in September, Jace once again demanded that he take the sword. Alec's voice was so weak at that point, he was barely audible. His breathing was ragged and he stumbled over his words. The blade of the Sword trembled in his unsteady hands.

But despite all this, Alec refused to give him the Sword. Even then, Alec refused to impose pain on the people he loved when he could bear it himself.

Jace almost wanted to grab the Sword away from him and take the decision out of his hand but like always, he wouldn't take away Alec's agency.

Instead, he stayed by his side until the Brothers were finally done with their questioning.

The moment he was released from the sword, it clattered to the floor unceremoniously, the sound overpowered only by Alec's scream.

Alec had collapsed from his upright kneeling position, his thighs falling against the back of his calves and his elbows on the floor with his face in his open palms.

His scream wasn't high-pitched, but one filled with pain and anguish that had been gathering inside and needed to be released.

Jace touched his shoulder gently. Alec immediately jerked away and shifted into a crouching position. "Bathroom," he urged, hoarsely.

 _Down the hall and turn left,_  Brother Zachary instantly explained, his words sounding kinder than Jace expected in his mind.

Alec nodded and instantly sprang to his feet, rushing out of the room, Jace following quickly behind him. Both the Lightwood parents were standing in the hallway, looking apprehensively at the two boys but Jace ignored them.

**xxxxxx**

Alec slammed the door shut and fell to his knees in front of the toilet. It was an old-fashioned bathroom that probably hadn't been updated in a century. The toilet bowl had no seat or lid and a string hanging beside it to act as a flusher. Despite the age of the room, it was very clean.

Alec gripped the sides of the toilet bowl, his head tilted over the bowl as his stomach convulsed violently and he retched, his breakfast and lunch coming up in relentless waves.

Eventually there was nothing left and he was dry-heaving, his empty stomach still convulsing. Unwanted images danced behind his eyelids. Phantom touches and pain took hold of his body and his mind was swimming with the words he had just spoken. The emotions that consumed him as a 13-year-old child and ebbed and flowed as a he grew were back in full force and he knew he was barely holding it together.

Everything he had accomplished in the last month seemed to flitter away and he was left as he once was, unable to function and needing to cause himself pain.

He heard the door open and he tensed. He assumed it was Jace and he hated for Jace to see him like this.

"Alec," he started.

"I'm fine," Alec said automatically, although the lie was instantly followed by another dry-heave.

Jace knelt beside him and started rubbing circles into his back. Alec closed his eyes, tears falling into the bowl of vomit-filled water.

Jace gently drew him away from the bowl, reaching up to pull on the flusher. He had a damp towel in his hand and he slowly pressed the cloth against his lips, wiping away the vomit from his face.

Alec knew he should feel shame at having Jace clean him up but he seemed to be at capacity with the emotion for other reasons and he was too tired to protest Jace's administration.

He just sat there, on the floor of the bathroom, numbness finally kicking in as he stared blankly at the wall while Jace finished cleaning him up.

"Where do you want to go?" Jace asked softly.

Alec just stared forward.

"The Institute?"

"No," he said, plainly.

"Magnus?" Jace tried next.

That caused Alec to flinch. "I don't want him to see me like this. I'm supposed to be better."

"I don't think it works like that, Alec."

Alec just shook his head. "I think I'll go for a run." What he really wanted was a razor and his abandoned rooftop.

"I'll come with you."

"I want to be alone."

Now Jace was shaking his head. "I can't let you do that, Alec," he said, almost apologetically.

"I won't hurt myself," he lied.

"We both know that's not true."

"Fine," he snapped. "You tell me jump, I'll jump." He focused on the anger, it was easier than the other emotions and it was better than the ice-coldness of the numbness.

"Alec," Jace implored.

"That's what I do best, right? That's why I'm here, right? I'm used to being someone's bitch. You might not want to fuck me but I can follow orders." He knew he was being nasty. He wondered how far he had to take it for Jace to leave him alone. He knew Jace was very particular about not taking away Alec's control. Jace never said it out loud but Alec knew and he loved Jace for it. He felt so guilty using that against him.

But apparently Jace was too smart for his antics. "I know what you're trying to do Alec. You know I would never make you do anything you didn't want to do but..."

"Then let me going running."

"But I know when I have to makes an exception. I'm not going to let you bully me into letting you go off by yourself and hurt yourself."

"Fuck," Alec cursed, slamming his fist into the stone floor. He hissed but felt a rush of relief as the pain coursed through his body. Jace instantly grabbed his hand, examining the torn skin of his knuckles while he pulled out his stele.

"Please, let it be," Alec pleaded.

Jace shook his head, making quick of the rune, even as Alec tried to pull away. The minute the rune was drawn Jace released his hand.

"Listen, let's get out of here. Please, Alec."

Alec just nodded. Jace had won.

**xxxxxx**

They had been running for hours.

Jace had texted ahead, letting Izzy know they were heading back to the Institute to change into running gear and that Alec didn't want to see anyone yet, including him but Jace hadn't given him that choice. Alec's parents had tried to say something to Alec when they emerged from the bathroom but Jace quickly made it clear that they were stopping at the Institute to grab things and leave for awhile.

Alec was a significant distance ahead of Jace for most of the run. Jace realized that for as long as Alec had been running over the years, Jace had never joined him, mostly because it was a solitary activity for Alec and because Jace never saw the value in the skill.

But now, he realized that Alec had trained his muscles for speed and endurance in a way that Jace could not compete with, even though Jace always instantly excelled at any physical activity.

Sure, he could probably win a 100-meter dash but at this point, after endless mile after mile, Jace was slowing down while Alec kept the same pace he started with, even after bearing the brunt of the Sword for so long and throwing up both his meals of the day.

They were well into Brooklyn now. Jace pushed himself to get a little closer so that Alec remained in his view at the very least. It gave Alec the chance to be alone while Jace still ensured that he was safe. Jace thought it was a good compromise.

Just when he thought the burn in his calves was going to be too much, he saw Alec stop at a tree in the park they were currently cutting through. Alec sank to the ground, leaning against the tree, staring off into the distance. There were a scattering of mundanes in the park but their glamour kept them hidden from sight.

When Jace finally reached Alec, he could see the sweat drenched into Alec's clothes and could only imagine how he looked. Jace settled down beside him, panting heavily.

"Damn, Alec. Could have warned me that you were planning to never stop."

"We're stopped now."

Jace shook his head in disbelief.

"You didn't have to come," Alec retorted, not unkindly though.

"You know I wasn't going to leave you."

Alec rubbed his palms against his thighs absently. "I know."

They were silent for a moment.

"I'm sorry," the older boy said. "For what I said earlier. It was unfair."

"You don't have to apologize, Alec."

"Just because I'm hurting, doesn't mean I need to hurt others."

Sometimes Alec was too selfless to even be unintentionally selfish.

"You don't have to go through this in silence."

Alec finally turned to look at him. "I don't know what I did to ever deserve you in my life."

"I can say the same thing about you, Alec."

"Sometimes, I feel like I take more than I give."

"That might be how it feels to you right now, but that's not how it feels to me. After my dad died, I was an orphan in a new city and I was expected to live with people I had never met. I was hurting and you were there for me, always. If it wasn't for you Alec, I don't know how I would have coped."

Silence fell between them again until Alec once again broke it. His bottom lip trembled slightly as he looked at Jace.

"I'm hurting, Jace."

He closed his eyes.

"Everything hurts so much and the only way I know how to fix it is to hurt myself." He laughed harshly at the irony.

And finally, as if he couldn't physically hold it in any longer, Alec collapsed against his brother, letting the younger boy wrap his arms around him protectively as he let everything out, his sobs muffled by Jace's shirt.

"I'm here. I'll always be here."

Alec nodded into his chest.

"I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, so I finally started this sequel. I have the basic outline and as you might have inferred, each chapter will follow two main timelines, their one-year anniversary in September 2008 (one year after the events in Learning to Be) and what happened in the months leading up to that day. In each chapter we will see the progression of their anniversary and look back at one event in each month of the year leading to their anniversary, coming full circle in chapter 12 when we officially reach September 2008. 
> 
> Even though each chapter revolves around a particular event, I'll wrap up loose ends organically in other parts of the story. You know me, I love the using flashbacks. We've got timelines within timelines here. So, don't worry, we will find out what the result of the whole trial (for which we only see a portion here)
> 
> Please let me know what you think! This is going to be a tough but rewarding journey for Alec and I hope you'll stick around for it and let me know what you think in a review!


	2. Of Running and Basketball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare created Mortal Instruments and all the characters and the universe used in this story. Like Learning to Be, the actual plot of the series is largely ignored and may only appear in a cursory manner.
> 
> A/N: Thank you so much to all that reviewed! They honestly make my day :). Here's chapter 2/12. Let me know what you think!
> 
> Important: "September 2008" refers to a day an year after the events of Learning to Be
> 
> Warning: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including discussion and memories of sexual abuse of minors (not explicitly described) and self-destructive behavior. There is also some coarse language and adult sexual content in this story.

* * *

**September 2008**

* * *

Alec stepped out of the shower with his hands buried in a towel on his head. He was wearing a pair of black boxer shorts and Magnus enjoyed watching his abdominal muscles ripple with the movement, droplets of water running down between the crevices of his abs.

"Coming to bed now?" Magnus hummed.

Alec hung the damp towel over the back of a chair and bent down to rummage through one of his drawers. When he turned around, he was holding a flat, rectangular box carefully wrapped in blue paper. He looked at Magnus shyly and approached the bed.

Magnus smiled broadly, pulling back the covers. "You got me a present," he said.

Alec climbed into the bed, sitting crosslegged in front of Magnus, who had also drawn his legs into a crossed position, the two boys' knees touching.

"I didn't know if I was going to give it to you...I mean, what if you thought I was just being silly...I mean, I've never had an anniversary before...obviously...but Izzy said that it was more than normal for me to get you something...so I..."

Magnus's eyes danced with amusement. He highly doubted that anyone else could claim to have a boyfriend as adorable as Alec Lightwood. But instead of letting the Nephilim continue to ramble, he leaned forward and drew him into a soft kiss. Alec moaned into the kiss, leaning in himself.

When Alec moved away, he was smiling more confidently. "Present first."

Magnus took the box out of Alec's lap, grinning excitedly, trying to think of what Alec would have thought to buy him.

"Let me guess," Magnus started. He shook the box. Something light shifted. "I predict something...black."

Alec laughed. "Come on, just open it!"

"Alright, alright, let's see what you got me." Magnus tore away the paper, revealing a pristine black gift box.

"See, black," he said. He lifted the lid and pulled back deep blue tissue paper to reveal a beautiful gold and green silk scarf. Magnus pulled the scarf out, feeling the rich, delicate material in his hands.

He looked up at Alec, stunned. "This is beautiful, Alec."

Alec bit his bottom lip, a habit Alec had that Magnus couldn't resist. He kissed him, pulling at his bottom lip with his own.

"You really like it?" Alec asked, watching him anxiously.

Magnus wrapped the scarf around his neck skillfully. "It's perfect, Alec. I love it."

Alec blushed. "The color...it reminds me of your eyes."

Magnus had always been conflicted about his eyes. On one hand, they reminded him of who his father was and yet, he would never glamour them away for they where a part of who he was and that was never something he would hide.

The younger man smiled and shifted onto his hands and knees so that his hands were on either side of Magnus's thighs. He kissed the corners of his eyes. "I love your eyes, Magnus."

Magnus hummed appreciatively. He uncrossed his legs and Alec settled between his legs, his calves tucked in under him and his hands fiddling with the ends of the scarf.

"I'm glad you like it."

"I only wish I had seen you shopping. Where did you go?"

"Bloomingdales on 59th."

Magnus raised an eyebrow, astonished. "And you survived?"

"I made Izzy come with me."

Magnus chuckled. "That makes more sense."

"Hey," Alec protested, playfully hitting him on his shoulder. "I am perfectly capable of navigating a store on my own."

Magus laughed again before carefully removing the scarf and lovingly folding it back into the gift box. Once he placed it on the bedside table, he turned his attention back to the beautiful boy in front of him. He rubbed his hands up and down Alec's bare thighs, letting them slip underneath the bottom of his shorts, his fingers making circles into his hips.

"You can't have your present until the morning, okay darling?"

Alec was blushing as he nodded absently, his arms snaking around Magnus's back, fingers splayed over muscle.

"I'm not sleepy," Alec muttered.

Magnus pulled him in closer. "Neither am I."

* * *

**November 2007**

* * *

The ringing noise drew Alec out of his slumber reluctantly. He blinked his eyes open and patted his hand on the side table, looking for his phone. He finally got a hold of it in the dark and looked down at the screen, expecting to see Jace or Izzy's name. Instead, an unknown number was displayed across the screen. Alec frowned lightly, wondering who else would be calling him at 5:30 in the morning.

He felt the body beside him shift and groan lightly. He looked over to his side and bit his bottom lip. He still wasn't used to it. Going to sleep with someone and waking up with them. Feeling safe with somebody besides his siblings in his bedroom. Not that he was in his bedroom. In the last two months, he found himself sleeping in Magnus's bed more often than not.

They both slept fully clothed in pajamas, which Alec suspected wasn't Magnus's norm. But he never once complained, even when Alec tried to apologized and offer to sleep in the spare room so Magnus could sleep how he liked.

"Darling, what I like is sleeping with you. And this just gives me an excuse to buy these stunning silk pajamas I've been eyeing," was his response.

Now Magnus was stirring again, so Alec quickly stepped out of the room and sat on the couch. Chairman Meow instantly sprang into his lap and purred happily as Alec finally flipped open the ringing phone.

"Hello," Alec said.

There was silence on the other end.

"Hello," Alec repeated. "Who is this?"

"Umm...maybe...never mind."

Alec sat up straight and Chairman Meow hissed at the sudden movement.

"James?" Alec asked quickly.

"Is this Alexander Lightwood?"

"Yes. Call me Alec."

"I'm sorry to bother you. I should go." The boy's voice was soft and unsure, almost inaudible.

"No, James, don't go. I gave you my number so you can call me if you needed to."

"It's too early."

"No, James. You can call me anytime. What's going on?"

There was silence again.

"James, talk to me."

There was soft sobbing on the other end. "I don't know what to do?"

"Do you have school today?"

"Yes."

"How about this. Ask your parents if I can come over and we can talk before you go to school."

"Okay, will you stay on the phone while I go ask them?"

"Yes, of course."

Once James had left to talk to his parents, Alec sighed heavily. He closed his eyes, running his fingers through his hair. He remember being 13, soon after Manson left. His parents knew, his brothers knew. And yet he felt so alone. He knew exactly how James was feeling.

"Hello," he heard coming from his phone.

"Hey James."

"My parents said you can come. They want to talk to you first though."

"Okay, I'll be there in 20 minutes."

"Thanks," the child said softly.

"Anytime James, I mean it."

Alec quickly changed into running clothes and scribbled a note for Magnus. He looked down at the sleeping man, the sheets tangled in his long limbs and his hair splayed on the pillow. He was beautiful. Alec leaned forward and brushed his lips against his forehead before quietly stepping out of the apartment.

Luckily, the F train came soon after he got to the station and he was standing outside James's apartment within 20 minutes.

James's dad opened the door. He held the door close to him, staring at the teenager up and down before finally opening the door and letting him in.

James was sitting on the edge of a sofa, his hands gripped over his knees, his eyes puffy and slightly red. His mother sat on the arm of the sofa beside him, her hand resting protectively on his shoulder.

"I don't want to trust you," said his father, breaking the silence. "You are Nephilim and there is no love lost between our kind."

"I know," Alec said, humbly.

"And it was one of your kind who did this to my son," the man hissed, gesturing towards James.

"Dad," James implored.

"But from what I gather he did the same to you," he continued.

Alec nodded. "He did," he said plainly, even though it was hard to stand in a room with strangers, once again admitting his past. "When I was James's age."

"What do you want, James?" he said, turning to his son.

"Can we go for a walk?"

He looked between the two boys. "Fine. He needs to be at school by 8."

James sprang out of the couch. He kissed his mother on the cheek and grabbed his bag, heading for the door. As Alec turned around to follow him, James's father grabbed him by his arm and pulled him back.

Alec's instinct was to pull himself out of the grip and swing his fist, a combination of his shadowhunter training and his irrational fear of unexpected touch, especially from men, kicking in. But he held it together, managing to only flinch.

"If something happens to him..."

"He's safe with me."

"Forgive me if that doesn't reassure me," he snapped sarcastically.

James's mother walked up to them and placed a hand on her husband's shoulder. "Let him go, Mike. He isn't the enemy."

The man let go of Alec's arm and Alec had to suppress a sigh of relief.

"Please help my son," his mother said and Alec felt his heart clench, knowing that it was easier said than done.

**xxxxxx**

"I'm sorry about my parents. They've been a bit much since..." he trailed off and looked away as the two boys walked down 10th Street.

"They're worried."

"I know. It's weird, I guess. They treat me like I might break but they also pretend that nothing has changed."

"I know exactly how you feel. My parents acted like nothing even happened."

James was absently kicking a small rock as they walked.

"Will it ever be like before?" he asked softly. He looked at Alec with shining, hopeful eyes. It broke Alec's heart.

Alec had to look away and closed his eyes.

"I guess not," James said, filling in the heavy silence.

"It won't, James. I'm sorry."

He kicked the rock viciously and it tumbled into the street, lost amongst the cars speeding by.

"But that doesn't mean that you can't be happy."

"Are you happy?"

Alec was silent again. He thought about the last five years. The nightmares and panic attacks. The self-hatred and self-harm. The isolation and fear. But there was also his siblings and now Magnus. And there was also hope. Something he thought he had lost.

"I have hope, James. And it took a long time to find it. Mostly because I pushed everyone away."

"So you're not happy." The disappointment in his voice was palpable.

He thought about waking up beside Magnus. He thought about sparring with Jace or playing games with Max. He thought about cooking with Izzy (mostly to prevent disaster) or hunting. "I'm not unhappy. I have good days and I have bad days."

James nodded, forlornly.

"I don't want to lie to you. It hasn't been easy for me. I can't go back to who I was before but then again, we all grow and change and I want to be stronger than I was before."

"So no one can ever do that to you again?"

"Well, I don't necessarily mean physically stronger. Of course I want to be able to protect myself but you have to remember this didn't happen to you because you weren't strong enough to stop him. It's something I still wrestle with."

James eyes were watery now. "Then why did it happen?"

Alec suddenly felt anger race through his body and he wished that he had pierced that arrow through Manson's heart. Pushing it down, he spoke. "Because Manson is a sick man and he...he...cannot control himself." He knew the answer was probably not enough for the child.

"Can we sit down?"

"Yeah, sure," Alec said. They were in front of a park, benches lining the perimeter of the fence.

Once seated, James wrung his hands in his lap. "I have nightmares and I can barely sleep. I'm back in that room and he's on top of me and I'm screaming and he won't stop and I wake up and I can't breathe, my heart is racing and my chest hurts. I feel dizzy and confused."

Alec nodded, sadly.

"Has that ever happened to you?"

"Yes," he said. "I try to count backwards from 100. It...it can take a while for me to get to 0."

"Did he take you like he took me?" He was looking at Alec with large, blue eyes.

Alec was picking at a loose string at the bottom of his sweater. "No, he didn't. He lived with me in the Institute."

"For how long?"

"Ten months."

He blinked his eyes, surprised and horrified. "And your parents didn't stop him?"

"They didn't know."

"You didn't tell them?" he asked.

Alec pressed his hands into his thighs to stop them from shaking. "No."

"But why?"

"It...it's complicated."

"I'm sorry. I think I get it."

"It's okay. I know it's confusing."

"In school, they talked about you know..." He lowers his voice. "Sex in health class last week. I freaked out and spent most of the period in the bathroom. It was embarrassing."

The boy looked up at Alec. "Have you had sex?"

Alec paled and tried to maintain contact.

"I mean after him."

Oh, Alec thought. After Manson. He thought about Magnus. He thought about the confusing dreams he had about him. He wanted to be intimate with Magnus but he didn't know if he could. And it scared him because eventually, the kissing wouldn't be good enough for Magnus and he would lose him.

"No, I haven't."

James nodded and looked away. "Well, there's this girl, Kendra, at school and I've liked her since middle school...and now I feel like I'll never ask anyone out."

"I think it takes time, James. Unfortunately, we can't pretend this away. But it doesn't have to control us."

"Do you like someone?"

Alec bit his bottom lip. "Yes, I do."

"Who is she?"

Alec flinched. This is what he was afraid of. What if James was disgusted with him? Here he was, 18 years old, worrying about how a 13-year-old would react to his sexuality. He was hurting and he didn't want to alienate him but Alec was also done lying. He did enough of that with his parents.

"Not a she."

"What do you mean?"

"His name is Magnus. He's a warlock. He was the one who found your location with a locator spell."

James stared at him, wide-eyed.

"You're gay?"

Alec nodded.

James looked forward, watching the cars go by.

"Did he make you gay?" His voice was barely a whisper.

Alec flinched again. "No, James, he didn't. I knew before he started hurting me that I was different."

"Did you...did you like it?"

The teenager unsuccessfully tried to stifle a sob. "No," he said.

Suddenly James looked horrified. "Alec, I'm sorry. I..."

Alec shook his head. "It's fine."

"No, I shouldn't have asked that."

"It's confusing, I know that," Alec said. "I can't really describe all the emotions, but none of it was pleasant."

James nodded. "Are you going to leave now?" He sounded so vulnerable.

"I'm not leaving, James. I promised you that I would be here for you."

"Even when I'm being an asshole?"

Alec ran his fingers through his hair. "You're not being an asshole. It's okay."

"Okay," he whispered.

They sat silently for a few minutes.

"Sometimes, I feel so numb and other times, it's like I'm going to suffocate or explode," James said, breaking the silence.

Alec frowned, knowing that these were the feelings that led him down the path of self-harm. "I know how you feel."

"How do you deal with it?"

"I've done things to myself that I'm not proud of."

"Like what?"

Alec shook his head. He wasn't about to give the kid any ideas. "That's not what's important."

"Do you still do bad things to yourself?"

Alec wrapped his arms around himself. "Sometimes. Less so now and when I do, I tell someone. I think it's important to find something positive to focus on instead."

"Like what?"

"I run." He kicked up his feet, showing his worn out sneakers. "It gives me something to focus on. I can push myself and feel the burn without being self-destructive."

"I don't run."

"It's different for everyone. What are the things you like to do?"

He turned around and pointed at the basketball court in the park. "I like to play basketball but lately, when my friends want to play, I don't want to. I don't really want to be around them right now."

"I pushed away a lot of people for a long time. But eventually, I realized that I was just hurting myself and them by pushing away the people who loved me."

"Yeah, well, they have no idea what happened and I don't want them to."

Alec nodded. "Doesn't mean you can't play basketball with them. Come on, I've never played. You can teach me. Do you have a ball?"

James looked at him surprised. "You've never played basketball? You're like 6 feet!"

Alec shrugged. "Nephilim miss out on a lot, it seems."

James smiled, excited at the prospect of teaching the shadowhunter how to play.

"Okay, come on," he said. He pulled a basketball out of his bag and led Alec into the court.

"Do you always just have a basketball in your bag?"

"Yeah, it basically stays there."

For the next 30 minutes Alec was given a crash course in basketball, from dribbling, passing, stealing to shooting. James wad definitely in his element the whole time.

Alec found that he could shoot with ease but struggled with stealing and dribbling the ball. Finally, when James was satisfied with his progress, they decided to play a game that James called 21.

While werewolves and Nephilim both possessed superhuman speed and strength, Alec was definitely faster and stronger, due to his age and years of training but James was more skilled, making it a close game.

They were both at 19 points when James stole the ball from Alec and quickly scored a two-pointer.

He hollered in triumph, grinning at the shadowhunter. Alec laughed. He grabbed the ball and shot it, watching it sail through the hoop.

"Damn, that was great," Alec said, smiling broadly.

"Thanks," James said, panting softly. His eyes were shinning and he collapsed against the fence. Alec sat down beside him as tears escaped down his face. He wiped them away angrily.

"James," Alec started.

"I haven't had that much fun since before..."

"You're allowed to have fun, I promise."

The child nodded and looked up at Alec. He leaned into the older teenager, pressing his face into his shoulder. Alec carefully wrapped his arms around the boy.

When James pulled away, his eyes were puffy. He pressed his palms into his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling his hands away and rubbing them against his pants.

"You never have to apologize to me."

"Do you know what happened to him?"

Alec looked at him, surprised. "Your parents didn't tell you?"

James shook his head.

Alec knew the Clave contacted James's parents and while he didn't want to overstep his bounds he deserved to know.

"He's going away for a long time. They stripped him of his marks and he's spending 30 years in the prison in the Silent City. Once he's out, he will be exiled from the Shadow World and New York."

"That's good, right?"

"Losing your marks is probably the harshest punishment the Clave could pass." He shivered, wondering if that would happen to him if he came out to the Clave.

"Good," James whispered.

Alec looked down at his watch and jumped up. "It's almost 8! You need to get to school. If you're late, your parents will be pissed at me."

James nodded reluctantly and stood up. "Thanks for coming over today."

"Anytime, James. I mean it. If I don't pick up, it means I can't get to the phone. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. And if it's an emergency, you have to talk to someone. Is there someone else you can talk to?"

James shrugged his shoulder as they walked towards his school. "Maybe my mom. But she just gets really upset and starts crying. I don't like to make her cry. Luke maybe. He's a close friend of our family and he knows."

He remembered Luke coming out into the hallway after Alec had revealed his secret to James's family. He had been so sincere. "I think Luke is a good option if you can't get a hold of me."

"Okay," he murmured.

When they made it to the front of the school, there were teenagers everywhere.

"This is me," James said, awkwardly.

Alec nodded. "When your friends ask to play basketball, try it out, okay?"

James smiled. "I'm going to try. Thank you." He waved at Alec before jogging to the front door.

Alec waited until he disappeared behind the door, his smile slipping slowly. It had taken him five years to feel remotely ready to move forward in his life and he was still struggling. He didn't want it to take that long for James.

He turned away from the school and broke into a run, pushing himself so he could focus on the the burn in his legs instead of the thoughts swimming in his mind.

He had made it to the FDR within minutes and quickly picked up the pace as he headed uptown to the Institute, his body heat keeping him warm from the biting cold of November. He slowed down a fraction when he heard his phone ring. Fishing it out of his pocket, he flipped it open and pressed it to his ear as he continued running.

"Hi darling," came the voice.

"Morning Magnus."

"I missed you this morning.

Alec smiled, his heart fluttering. "I missed you too."

"How's James?"

"As expected, I guess."

"Well, he's lucky to have you. What are you doing now?"

"Running to the Institute. I'll probably make it before anyone misses me." Both his parents were unaware of his alternative sleeping arrangement and his siblings have covered for him on the few occasions that his parents did notice his absence.

"Well, I was thinking that we go see a movie tonight. I'm guessing you've never done that."

Alec laughed. "You guessed right."

"Then it's a date."

"Okay, I can be in Brooklyn by 7 but might have to go out hunting later that night."

"All right darling. I'll pick a movie that won't disappoint."

Alec wanted to respond with 'Nothing would disappoint me as long as I am with you' but that just seemed to sappy, so he just smiled. "Sounds good."

"Enjoy the run. I'll see you tonight."

"Bye Magnus," Alec said.

He found himself smiling all the way back to the Institute. Maybe he would teach Jace, Izzy and Max basketball. He could already outrun Jace and he was pretty sure he could beat him in basketball too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you for all that read, favorited, followed and reviewed. Please, with a delicious cherry on top, take a moment to leave me a review. As any author will tell you, I love them!
> 
> Let me know what you think of the chapter/story. This chapter was definitely a little heavy on the dialogue but that often happens with my stuff. This won't be the last we see of James. Next chapter is set in December 2007 and it will definitely be heavy on Alec/Magnus.


	3. On Relationships

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare created Mortal Instruments and all the characters and the universe used in this story. Like Learning to Be, the actual plot of the series is largely ignored and may only appear in a cursory manner.
> 
> A/N: Finally got this chapter up! Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Important: "September 2008" refers to a day an year after the events of Learning to Be
> 
> Warning: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including discussion and memories of sexual abuse of minors (not explicitly described) and self-destructive behavior. There is also some coarse language and adult sexual content in this story. This chapter touches on self-harm and has some mild adult sexual content.

 

* * *

**September 2008**

* * *

Alec nibbled on the shell of Magnus's ear, his hands running up and down his back as Magnus drew circles in his hips with his fingers underneath his boxer shorts. He lifted his body slightly so he could move his knees to either side of Magnus's thighs, straddling him before capturing his lips. In this position, he had to bend his head down to reach Magnus's mouth, his hands now grasping the sides of his boyfriend's face as he deepened the kiss. Alec smiled into his lips, feeling so content.

Alec rolled his hips down. Magnus moaned into his mouth and responded by grinding his hips up to meet Alec's movements. Magnus was now rubbing his hands up and down Alec's thighs. Alec pulled away and started peppering kisses along the warlock's jawline and his neck. He sucked on the skin of Magnus's shoulder and Magnus rubbed his fingers over Alec's thighs before moving his hands up, cupping his boxer-clad backside.

"You're so beautiful," Magnus whispered, his head thrown back as Alec continued to leave bruises along his collarbone. Alec paused, feeling a slight pang but pushed it aside. He still hadn't figured out how to deal with the compliment, even a year later. Magnus seemed to notice the slight hesitation and gently pushed Alec back, so that he was seated on Magnus's legs.

Magnus was beautiful, with his silky black hair, his flawless caramel skin and golden-green eyes and his long, lean body. Alec's body, on the other hand, was littered with scars, ones from battle and ones by his own hand. While Magnus all but glowed with purity, Alec was marred and damaged, a roadmap of his shame and self-destruction. The only other person to call him beautiful had destroyed his childhood. It was hard to untangle the competing meanings of the word in his mind...one full of love and adoration and the other loaded with cruelty and pain.

"Alec, babe." Magnus's hands ran the course of his chest and stomach before settling on his hips, thumbs gently stroking his hipbones.

Alec blinked, staring down at the man below him. "I'm sorry, Magnus."

"You never have to say sorry to me for this." It wasn't the first time Magnus had given him this reassurance and it only made Alec feel more inadequate, hating that Magnus felt the constant need to remind him of his self-worth. But Alec nodded and buried his face in his neck, savoring the smell of sandalwood.

"Can I lay you down?" Magnus asked softly. Alec nodded, wanting so desperately to push away the negative thoughts. Today was a special day. He wasn't about to ruin it with his broken record of thoughts.

Magnus gently shifted their bodies so that Alec was laying on his back. Magnus hovered over him, looking at him with so much love, it made Alec's heart soar, eclipsing his earlier thoughts.

"I love you," he whispered into Alec's ear. He intertwined his fingers with Alec's and lifted his hand so he could litter kisses along his arm, paying close attention to each scar. "And you are beautiful."

Alec allowed his free hand to roam over Magnus's body. When he reached his underwear, he tugged at it lightly.

Alec knew that their sex life was more complicated than the average couple. And he didn't even need to know the details of other people's relationships to make that inference. It was a complex intersection of love, desire and pleasure and of anxiety and patience. Sometimes, when Alec allowed himself to think too long on it, he felt such a strong hatred towards himself for not being able to just let things happen naturally. He felt embarrassed and inadequate and wondered why Magnus stayed with him.

Alec shook his head, pulling his boyfriend's underwear over his backside and down his legs. He needed to focus on his own love and lust, not on his doubts.

"I love you so much, Magnus."

Magnus shifted his legs so that he could remove the undergarment. Alec reached down, grasping Magnus firmly, his heart racing from both trepidation and desire, as it always did when they reached this point.

In his mind, Alec had sectioned off intimacy into three zones. It was his attempt to focus and control his emotions. The first zone was the easiest and most natural for Alec. Never fully naked, full of kissing and making out and heavy petting. This was the newest experience for Alec and he enjoyed it with abandon, savoring the way Magnus explored his mouth and body and the way he keenly needed to be touching and kissing Magnus.

The last two zones were both more familiar and more anxiety-inducing for Alec. The second zone consisted of full nudity and touching places that were usually covered by underwear, while the final zone consisted of oral sex and intercourse.

Magnus had been so unbelievably patient with Alec, seeming to understand these divisions implicitly. He couldn't understand how someone as experienced as Magnus handled the slow pace, the constant checking in and asking permission but never once did he complain and he was always totally blissful with whatever they did, as if just being with Alec was enough.

And Alec was so grateful. Because despite all the anxiety and apprehension he felt, he also wanted to be sexual. To have sexual experiences that he enjoyed and needed. To feel and give pleasure openly and  _willingly_.

Magnus's fingers curled into Alec's boxers. He looked at Alec, his eyes shinning with love. "Can I?" he asked softly.

Alec smiled up at his boyfriend, his eyes heavy-lidded with need. He nodded before pressing his lips into Magnus's bicep and lifting his hips so Magnus could drag the material over his hips and down his thighs.

* * *

**December 2007**

* * *

The December chill seemed to cut through Alec's layers of clothes and he found himself burrowing closer to Magnus. They were walking down Fifth Avenue, Alec's arm curled around Magnus's arm. At first, Alec was apprehensive about showing affection in public, even something as simple as holding hands, with no glamour to hide away from the mundanes.

He felt like everyone was staring at him, picking at every flaw, judging him and looking at him in disgust for not being heterosexual. He knew it was irrational and he knew that he shouldn't be ashamed but he was never any good at controlling these thoughts.

And yet, at the same time, he felt safe with Magnus. He felt safe, having Magnus beside him, holding his hand or linking arms, like being with Magnus deflected any nasty looks or unwanted comments.

Magnus wanted to go see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and check out the displays in the high-end store lining Fifth Avenue. The warlock met Alec at 59th and Fifth and the two boys were walking down the ritzy avenue, stopping at store fronts and occasionally ducking into some stores despite Alec's reluctance.

"Come on darling, let's go into Bergdorf Goodman," Magnus said, unlinking their arms and interlocking his fingers with Alec's.

Alec looked up at the large building with the extravagant window displays laden with gold and silver ornamental backdrops, mannequins in over-the-top ballgowns and suits and a ridiculous amount of glitter. The teenager couldn't help but grin. The department store screamed Magnus Bane.

Magnus pulled him into the store and they were hit with a rush of warmth. Alec pulled off his gloves, shoving them into the deep pockets of his jacket. While Magnus looked the part of a shopper at the store, with his deep green peacoat and his high-ankle dress boots, Alec looked like the boy he dragged off the street in his faded black, slightly worn hooded jacket, sloppy beanie and roughed up brown combat boots.

"This sweater would look amazing on you," Magnus said as they strolled through the Men's Store. He held up a blue sweater against Alec's chest. "It's a wool/silk blend. And it's a sweater. See, I'm staying in your ballpark." Magnus was beaming as he held it up.

Alec laughed and picked up the sleeve. He couldn't deny that the sweater felt amazing but when he looked at the price tag, his jaw practically dropped.

"Magnus, this is over a 1000 dollars!" Alec exclaimed before slapping his hand over his hand as he realized how loud he had spoken.

Magnus chuckled as Alec buried his face in his shoulder, his face turning bright red. The older man wrapped his arm around him and kissed his forehead.

"You my darling are too precious."

Alec lifted his head and smiled ruefully. "You are not buying me that sweater."

"Too expensive?" Magnus asked jovially.

"Too expensive," Alec said. "Let's go see the tree now."

"Yes, to the tree," he said dramatically.

Once they arrived at Rockefeller Center, the crowds had intensified, creating a bottleneck of shoppers, tourists and New Yorkers trying to get to the tree. Magnus held onto his hand tightly as they made their way to the front of the tree. Alec had seen it a few times over his lifetime, mostly in passing when out hunting, but this was the first time he had gone out of his way to see the lit-up tree.

Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec, placing his chin on Alec's shoulder as they looked up at the tree. "You know, I was here when the first tree went up in 1931."

Alec turned around in the embrace, more interested in looking at Magnus than the tree. "What was it like back then?"

"Well, it was the Great Depression, before the Rockefeller Center was built. A group of construction workers put up a tree on this spot in the muddy ground. They were some of the few lucky ones that were getting paid before Christmas that year."

"What were you doing in the 30s?"

A far off look settled on Magnus's beautiful face. He frowned slightly and Alec suddenly felt anxious, as if he had asked the wrong thing.

"Who knows. Running a speakeasy, drinking the days away. The 30s were a blur." He quickly smiled and pecked Alec on his lips. "Let's get a picture."

Alec suppressed his sigh of relief and nodded absently. "Do you have a camera?"

He pulled out his phone and tapped at the large screen a few times. "It's an iPhone," he said, holding up the phone. "It was released a few months ago. Let's ask someone to take it."

Alec shifted nervously. "What if they take your phone? What if they say something nasty because...you know." Maybe mundanes were as bad as Nephilim when it came to accepting different sexualities.

"Oh Alec, no one had better steal from the High Warlock of Brooklyn and if they say something nasty, you can go all ninja on them."

Alec scowled and rolled his eyes. "I'm not a ninja!"

Magnus just smirked before turning to a pair of teenaged girls around Alec's age. "Hi there, could you take a picture of us?"

The girls looked between the two boys and then each other. One of the girls giggled while the other girl nodded, holding her hand out for the camera. "Of course," she said.

Alec frowned at the odd exchange but pushed it aside as Magnus wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and rested his chin on Alec's shoulder like he had done earlier, their backs to the enormous tree behind them.

"Say cheese," the girl said before tapping on the phone a few times. At some point, Magnus kissed him on the cheek and Alec laughed, looking behind at Magnus.

"Let me know what you think," she said, handing the phone back. Alec looked down as Magnus swiped through the pictures. Alec couldn't help but stare as Magnus paused on a photo. Magnus was looking at him, his eyes sparkling, like all that mattered was looking at him and Alec was looking up and behind at Magnus, smiling, his blue eyes dancing with laughter. He had never looked so happy in a photo.

"Perfect!" Magnus announced.

The girls smiled and giggled again.

"What's so funny?" Alec found himself saying, feeling self-conscious all over again, his body becoming defensive as he intertwined his fingers with Magnus.

The girls seemed to realize that their giggles were misinterpreted because the photographer's companion quickly explained. "Sorry, we were being totally immature! You're just both so gorgeous. If you weren't so in love, we'd be all over you two."

Alec immediately turned beet-red while Magnus laughed behind him. Did they really look in love?

"Oh my God, he's so cute!" the other girl said, staring at Alec.

"Well, ladies, I thank you wholeheartedly for making my boyfriend blush. Have a wonderful holiday!"

Both girls waved goodbye. Alec shook his head absently when Magnus asked if he wanted to go skating.

"My place, then?" Magnus was saying.

Alec nodded and the two boys walked away from the crowd, heading for a subway station.

The young Nephilim's heart was beating rapidly and he was biting his bottom lip as they travelled back to Magnus's apartment.

Magnus squeezed his gloved hand and nudged him lightly. "Is everything okay, darling?"

Alec blushed. "You called me your boyfriend," he finally said. He forced himself to look up at Magnus.

Magnus smiled softly. "Did I speak too soon?"

"No," Alec found himself saying shyly. "I liked the sound of it."

Magnus grinned.

"I just didn't know we were there yet."

"Well, we've been dating exclusively for three months now...unless you've got somebody stashed on the side," he said, giving him a glittery wink.

Alec flushed and shook his head. "Just you," he said softly. "What about you?"

Magnus chuckled. "I have two dating speeds, dear Nephilim, casual and not casual and this is definitely not casual."

"So, just me?"

"Yes darling. Just you." He pecked him on the lips quickly. "Boyfriends, then?"

Although his heart was still beating wildly, he nodded and smiled. "Boyfriends," he agreed.

**xxxxxx**

Magnus was stretched out, his feet tucked under Alec, who sat curled up in the corner of the sofa. They both had steaming hot mugs of hot chocolate in their hands as X-Men played in the background. Alec was watching the movie intently while Magnus watched him.

He couldn't believe that in three months, Magnus had been swept off his feet by a young, semi-closeted Nephilim with a complicated past. He thought he would never date a shadowhunter, let alone keep a relationship a secret from some parties, in this case, Alec's parents.

But he found that Alec was the exception. Alec, with his wide, beautiful eyes that held so much openness and awe hidden behind despair and pain. Alec, with his strong, powerful body and his beautiful, kind heart. Alec, with the strength to withstand unbelievable adversity and be an unconditional pillar of support for others.

Magnus felt like he was in a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and desires and at the center of it all was this dichotomous boy of strength and vulnerability, honesty and reservations, compassion and self-loathing, hope and despair.

Magnus shook his head and brought himself back to the moment. He curled his toes underneath Alec, poking him playfully. "My feet are so cozy," he announced.

Alec smiled, the kind that reached his eyes, and uncurled his legs, poking him back with his feet. "So, unlike Spider-Man, these guys are born with their powers?" Alec asked, taking a sip of the hot chocolate.

Magnus raised an eyebrow. "You know Spider-Man?"

"Sometimes I read your comics when I can't sleep," he said sheepishly.

Magnus put down his mug and crawled over to the younger man. "Oh my God. You're not only a closeted gay," he started as he pressed his lip on the corner of his mouth, savoring the taste of chocolate. "But a closeted nerd too."

Alec kissed him back, his lips pulling at Magnus's lower lip. "You're the one with all the comic books dating back until forever ago."

"Touché," Magnus said.

Alec pushed Magnus gently so that his back was resting against the armrest. Magnus drew his knees up and out and Alec climbed between his legs, his thighs nestled between Magnus's knees. He bent forward until their chest were flush against each other. Alec grabbed the sides of his face as he started kissing him fervently. Magnus responded immediately, lifting his head up so that he could push his tongue passed his lips and curling his fingers at his hips.

"I had so much fun today," Alec said between kisses.

Alec pressed his hips down, their groins rubbing together desperately. Magnus felt himself hardening quickly as the lithe body moved above him. He heard himself moaning in Alec's mouth as they continued to trust their hips into each other. Alec was moving his hands now, dragging them down Magnus's body, pushing them under his shirt, swiping them passed the spot that should have had a bellybutton. He gasped as Alec moved away from his lips, his mouth sucking at the flesh where his jaw and neck met.

They had made out many times since their first kiss, standing and laying like this on the couch but it had never felt so heated and wanton before. Magnus didn't know what to do with his hands. He wanted to draw them down from his hips and cup Alec's ass but he would never do that without Alec's permission. He wanted to stay in territories that he knew were safe. He wanted Alec to direct the experience. Only after Alec had pressed his hips down had Magnus dared to respond by grinding up.

Now Alec's hands were undoing Magnus's belt and Magnus groaned with excitement before something suddenly clicked. His eyes widened as his senses came back into sharp focus out of the haze of lust. He could hear Alec's heart pounding wildly. He could feel the vibrations of Alec's trembling fingers. His entire body was shaking like a leaf in the wind.

The younger boy didn't seem to realize that Magnus had stopped moving as he concentrated on unsuccessfully undoing Magnus's belt. The terror was palpable.

Magnus removed his hands from Alec's hips and slide them over his belt, curling his fingers into Alec's trembling ones. "Darling, stop."

Alec's eyes were fixated on the belt buckle, his fingers twitching in Magnus's hands.

"Alec, look at me, please."

Alec shook his head, his head still bowed, strands of inky black hair swaying with the movement. "Why are we stopping?" he asked so softly, like it could hide the trepidation in his voice.

Magnus drew himself into a sitting position, crossing his legs and forcing Alec to move back a bit until all his weight was on his calves.

Magnus placed his fingers under Alec's chin and lifted it gently. Alec's eyes reluctantly met Magnus's. They were red and shiny with unshed tears.

He looked away immediately, his face chalk-white. He stood up abruptly and turned away from the older boy.

"Alec," Magnus started.

"I need a moment," he said before rushing into the bathroom, the door slamming behind him.

**xxxxxx**

Alec fell to his knees by the sink and flung the doors to the cupboards underneath open. He felt sick, nauseous with humiliation. He was just so unbelievably pathetic. His hands moved over the underside of the cupboard, frantically searching. He hissed softly as something nicked the tip of his finger. Curling his hand over the item, he pulled it free of the tape holding it in place and brought it out into view.

He moved into a low crouch before sitting back, his legs stretched out in front of him. He held the small blade in his palm staring at it. He had taped it on the underside of the sink sometime in the first month that he had been dating Magnus. He wasn't planning on using it. That wasn't why it was there. It was like a safety blanket, the kind you didn't sleep with anymore but felt reassured that you knew it was there just in case. At least that's what he told himself when he put it there.

And he hadn't pulled it out until now. Sure, he had had relapses over the last three months and he tried to talk to either Magnus, Jace or Izzy if he did but he knew that he was being deceptive...instead of telling one person every time, he diluted the knowledge between three people making it seem to each person that it was no longer a problem for him.

He picked up the blade with his fingers, rubbing the cold metal between the tips of fingers. His hands were still shaking. Why had he ruined such an amazing day? Why did he have to be so damned pathetic. It had been so long ago. He needed to get over this and just be a normal boyfriend, not some freak that couldn't even follow through on something he had started.

There was a loud knock on the bathroom door.

"Alec, you have to let me in."

Magnus could have easily unlocked the door, even with the locking rune Alec had carved into the wood.

"Please...I...just need a few minutes," he said. He pushed the sleeve of his sweater up. All he needed were a few. He could hide them away from Magnus and he wouldn't even know. Just a few cuts to control the shakes, to funnel his thoughts to the pain of his flesh and not what was going on his mind.

"I can't do that," Magnus said. "I'm sorry, Alec."

Alec cursed under his bed, swiping the blade just above the crook in his arm haphazardly. He winced and shoved the blade in his pocket, pulling his sleeve down as Magnus entered the room.

It hadn't been enough. And now he had something else to be ashamed of.

He looked away from the warlock. He kneeled down on one side of his stretched out legs.

"Talk to me, Alec," he said, soft and pleading. It was so unlike Magnus that Alec cringed. He did this to him.

"I'm sorry, Magnus."

"No, don't apologize, just talk to me."

Alec shook his head. "I should just go."

Magnus sat down beside him on the floor. "That can't be your default response. That's not how relationships work."

Alec flinched, his head bowed. "That's just it."

"What's it?" He reached out, holding his hand near his fingers but not touching him. "Can I?" he asked.

Alec nodded and as soon as Magnus intertwined their fingers, he realized his mistake.

"Alec," Magnus said alarmed, lifting his hand. Alec hissed in pain as his arm was jolted. Magnus pulled his hand away, holding his fingers to Alec, a smudge of red on his thumb.

"Where?" he said, his voice suddenly firm and demanding.

"It doesn't matter, Magnus. Please, I'm sorry."

"Alec, where are you hurt?"

Alec looked down at his arm. A patch of his sleeve was wet but it was barely visible because of the color of the sweater.

"Will you take off the sweater?" he asked, a little less hard.

Alec reluctantly nodded, knowing there was no point in fighting. He pulled off the sweater, leaving him in a black t-shirt and blood running down his arm. Apparently, in his haste, he had cut deeper than he anticipated.

"Oh Alec," Magnus lamented. Before Alec could protest, Magnus hovered his hand over the cut, the wound and blood disappearing with a few blue sparks.

Alec felt a sense of loss as the pain flittered away with the magic.

"Give me the blade," he said, leaving no room for argument. Alec pulled it out of his pocket and it quickly disappeared too.

"Tell me what happened."

Alec sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head back. "I freaked out."

Magnus's hand landed gently on his knee. "That's okay."

His eyes flung open and he looked at Magnus angrily. "How can that be okay? I'm the one who started the kissing and the...and the...I started it and I couldn't even follow through!"

"Alec, look at me."

Alec stubbornly avoided eye-contact.

"Look at me."

Finally he looked, his eyes stubborn and angry.

"You are  _always_  allowed to stop. It doesn't matter who started what. The second you want to stop, we stop, no questions.  _Always_. That's how it has to be with anyone, Alec." He brushed some of Alec's hair out of his face. "I know that hasn't been your experience but that's how it works."

Tears ran down Alec's face. He shoved them away. "But you wanted to..."

"I want what you want."

"That can't be true Magnus. I want more too but...oh God, my mind, my body, I can't control them. It's like I start to shut down or spiral into the past."

Magnus squeezed his hand. "I'm with you through this, Alec."

"But you shouldn't have to deal with this! You'll get bored of me and I wouldn't blame you!"

"Alec, where is this coming from? It's been three months and I haven't been so happy in decades."

Alec sobbed. "I'll make a crappy boyfriend, Magnus."

Something seemed to dawn on Magnus. "Is this about calling us boyfriends?"

Alec shrugged dejectedly. "I just thought...if we're going to be in a relationship, I have to...I have to be more active...I mean..."

"Alec, no," Magnus said.

"With labels comes expectations," Alec continued, as if he didn't hear him. "I don't want you to regret this."

"Alec, darling. I didn't call you my boyfriend so you'll have sex with me." The horror in Magnus's voice was tangible.

"But...that's what people in relationships do."

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?" Magnus asked, his thumb rubbing over the back of Alec's hand.

"Yes," he said. He wanted nothing more.

"And do you want to have sex with me right now?"

Alec hesitated.

"Be honest, Alec."

"I want to but I can't. Not now."

"So why do you want to be boyfriends?"

"Because you're amazing. I've never been so happy. You're stunning in every way. You're funny and beautiful and smart and I feel safe with you. I love kissing you and sleeping in your arms and spending time with you."

Magnus grinned. "I know I'm awesome!"

Alec laughed, play punching him on his shoulder.

"And what about me? Why do I want us to be boyfriends?"

"I don't know," he said sadly. "Because you feel sorry for me..."

"Because you are one of the kindest and bravest souls I know. Because you are brilliant and gorgeous and adorably shy. You're humble and so open. Because the best part of my day is when I'm with you and I'm constantly thinking about you when you're not with me."

Alec blushed and buried his face in Magnus's shoulder. "I'm sorry I freaked out on you," he mumbled.

Magnus took his hands and stood up, pulling Alec up with him.

"You're always allowed to freak out. Just don't shut me out, okay."

Alec nodded. "Okay."

"And no more stashing blades in my bathroom or anywhere else."

"I'll try," he muttered as Magnus led them to the couch.

"We'll work on it," he said. "Now, will you watch the rest of X-Men with me? If we stay up, we can get through the whole trilogy."

Magnus sat down and Alec curled up beside him, his head resting on his shoulder. Magnus played with his hair with one hand and used his other to wave the movie back to life.

Alec placed a hand on Magnus's thigh, his heart rate finally settling down as they concentrated on the movie, the only movement being Magnus's fingers lazily running through Alec's hair.

Boyfriends, Alec thought. He could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was a long one. I know, a lot of pain but I want to be realistic. Please let me know what you think. I my muse lives off of your reviews ;)! More James, parents, siblings and Malec to come as Alec goes through this year.


	4. Under the Moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare created Mortal Instruments and all the characters and the universe used in this story. Like Learning to Be, the actual plot of the series is largely ignored and may only appear in a cursory manner.
> 
> A/N: I know! It's been over two months since I updated! I'm so sorry. Life got busy! Thank you so very much to everyone who reviewed! They mean so much to me. Please keep reviewing!
> 
> Important: "September 2008" refers to a day an year after the events of Learning to Be
> 
> Warning: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including discussion and memories of sexual abuse of minors (not explicitly described) and self-destructive behavior. There is also some coarse language and adult sexual content in this story. This chapter touches on self-harm and sexual abuse.

 

* * *

**September 2008**

* * *

Rays of sunlight shone into the bedroom, making Magnus squeeze his eyes tighter as he shifted in bed. Magnus squinted when he opened his eyes as they adjusted to the brightness.

Alec was sleeping on his stomach, his head cushioned against Magnus's side and his hands buried under his pillow. He smiled down at his boyfriend and sat up carefully so that he didn't abruptly wake him.

Magnus pressed his lips against his shoulder. "Time to get up, darling," he murmured into his ear. "We've got a busy day ahead of us."

It was already past 11am. Alec had only arrived home at 4am and they didn't go to bed until after 5, so he knew that it would be hard to wake up the exhausted shadowhunter.

"Mmmm," Alec mumbled as he pulled the pillow closer, burying his face into it. "Can't we stay in bed?"

"Don't you want your present?"

He turned over and opened his eyes slowly. "I gave you your present in bed," he whined.

Magnus chuckled. "I can't give you your present in bed. Come on. You'll have plenty of time to rest, I promise."

"Fine," Alec said. He pouted and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "I'm making coffee."

Thirty minutes later, Alec was dressed and washing their mugs when Magnus came out of the bedroom. The younger man turned around and raised an eyebrow as Magnus dropped a large duffle bag on the floor.

"If you're planning on leaving me on our anniversary, do I get to keep the apartment?" he asked.

Magnus smiled, feeling warmth rush over him at the security Alec felt in making that joke. Just a few months ago, it would have been an entirely different story.

"We're going on a trip."

"We are?" Alec looked down at the bag. The bewildered expression on his face was priceless. "Where?"

"That's a surprise."

"How long?"

"Two nights."

"I can't just pick up and leave for two nights without giving my family a heads up, Magnus."

"Don't worry, babe. Your family already knows."

"What?" His voice came out with a squeak.

"Yes," Magnus said happily. He walked up to his boyfriend and curled his fingers into Alec's wet ones, residue of soap suds transferring to Magnus's hands. He leaned in and kissed Alec. The Nephilim pulled his hands away and ran them through Magnus's hair as he kissed him back.

"I haven't packed anything," Alec murmured against his lips.

"I packed for you."

"Oh really?" Alec said, pulling away slightly. He glared playfully at Magnus. "Should I be worried?"

"Not at all, darling."

"You're oddly underdressed," Alec pointed out. "I can't usually run my hands through your hair before we go out."

Magnus chuckled. Alec was right. His hair and face was void of gel and makeup.

"You ready?"

"I don't know how I can be ready when I just found out. How are we getting there?"

Magnus held up his hand, blue sparks jumping off his fingers. "Follow me."

**xxxxxx**

Alec landed on uneven ground, his feet sinking into something soft. The sound of water swishing gently and the smell of salt hit his senses before he registered his location. They were on a beach; a beautiful, serene landscape of silvery sand nestled between towering green cliffs and turquoise water. A few yards away stood a small but handsome villa.

"Magnus," Alec whispered, his eyes wide.

"Happy Anniversary, darling," said Magnus. He was facing Alec, beaming at the younger man's reaction.

"Where did you find this place?"

"It's a private beach in Anguilla. I rented it for two nights."

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus, kissing him deeply. "You do nothing but spoil me."

Magnus chuckled. "I do so gladly. Now, let's get out of these clothes and into swim trunks."

Alec looked down at his clothes and laughed. He truly looked out of place in his oversized sweater and dark jeans.

Magnus picked up the duffle bag in one hand and held out his other hand. Alec smiled and clasped it, following his boyfriend into the villa.

* * *

**January 2008**

* * *

Alec bit into his burger as Simon talked about the surprising accuracy of some mundane vampire show. It was late on a cold, winter night and he was having dinner with Izzy, Jace, Clary and Simon at Takis. Alec was slowly getting used to having Clary and Simon around all the time. And since Simon had turned into a vampire, he was officially part of the Shadow World.

In the span of just a few months, Alec had gone from not knowing any downworlders personally, to having a warlock boyfriend, a werewolf pseudo-kid-brother and a vampire friend. Well, having a friendship with Simon was probably stretching it but he was the only vampire he had ever spent time with.

"What about Magnus?" Simon asked, looking at Alec.

Alec stiffened and looked at his companions. He wasn't used to being open about himself and it still felt weird for his siblings, let alone two newcomers, to know about his romantic life. Not that he ever had a romantic life before to be open about. But the fact that they treated his relationship with Magnus no different from a straight one made him relax. He wasn't deluded to think that everyone he encountered would treat him similarly but in this little bubble of people, he felt safe to be himself.

"What about Magnus?" Alec said, confused by his question.

"Does Magnus see any similarities to Gandalf, for example?" Simon asked.

"Huh?" he said, looking at Simon, confused. "Who's Gandalf?"

Simon looked at him mortified. "Dumbledore?"

Alec shook his head.

"Merlin?"

"Merlin wasn't real," Alec said, finally recognizing a name.

Clary laughed into her milkshake.

"What's so funny?" Alec asked.

"Simon's major fail at trying to find common ground."

"The only mundane vampire movie I saw was Midnight or something...vampires sparkled in the sun. It was really stupid," Izzy contributed.

"Magnus would like that," Alec said.

"Why?" Clary asked.

"Let me guess, the sparkles," Jace said, his mouth full of food.

Alec nodded. "He does love glitter."

"Where is he, by the way? You didn't invite him?" Izzy said.

"He has a client."

Izzy looked at Alec oddly as if noticing something new for the first time. "Alec."

"Hmm," he said between bites.

She pinched the material of his sweater. "Where did you get this?"

He looked down at the sweater and blushed.

"It's a Brunello Cucinelli," she exclaimed.

"Is that supposed to be a good brand?" Jace said.

Alec shifted uncomfortably, his face getting redder.

"A good brand?" Izzy huffed. "It's a major high-end designer. Like a thousand dollar high."

Simon raised an eyebrow, looking at the sweater carefully. "How can a sweater be worth that much?"

Alec didn't think anyone would notice that it was an expensive sweater but he should have known better than to underestimate Izzy's knowledge of fashion.

He had chastised Magnus for buying it for him for Christmas but couldn't stay angry at Magnus. He had been so happy to see him in the sweater.

_"I have no shortage of funds, Alec. This isn't some grand gesture that should scare you away. I saw a sweater that would look great on my boyfriend and I wanted to buy it for him. End of story," Magnus said as Alec held the expensive clothing in his hands underneath the torn wrapping paper._

_Finally Alec nodded and smiled._ "Thank you _," he said. He stood up and pulled his ratty sweater over his head. He smiled at Magnus and put on the new sweater. "How does it look?"_

_"Well, frankly darling, you could be wearing a brown paper bag and still look stunning. I must saw, you make the sweater look good."_

_Alec blushed and laughed at the same time. "I love it."_

"It was a Christmas present," Alec explained.

"From Maaaaaaaagnus?" Jace crooned.

Alec rolled his eyes and kicked him from underneath the table. "Yes, Magnus."

"Izzy, he kicked me!" Jace whined.

Alec kicked him again.

Izzy rolled her eyes and looked at Clary. "Do you see what I have to deal with?"

Clary chuckled and pecked Jace on the cheek. "You'll survive, Jace."

The diner was relatively quiet. There were two other occupied tables and a waitress in the room when the door opened, letting in a gust of wind along with two teenagers.

"Simon, is that you?"

Simon turned to the newcomers as they approached their table.

"Jordan, Maia, what are you guys doing here?"

"Dinner. I see you're still hanging out with the Nephilim," Jordan said, nodding at the shadowhunters. "He's a new one though," he said, gesturing towards Alec.

Alec immediately knew that they were werewolves. He thought of James. They played basketball at least once a week now but the kid had cancelled on him twice in the last two weeks.

"Alec," Alec said.

"My brother," Izzy added.

"Quite the resemblance," Maia said, looking between the two Lightwoods.

"Alec Lightwood...why does that name sound familiar?" Jordan started, his brow furrowed in thought.

Maia nodded. "You're right, where have I heard that name?"

"The Lighwoods run the Institute," Clary suggested.

"Not that," Jordan said. "But...now I remember...you saved that werechild that went missing. James."

Alec immediately tensed. "I didn't save him by myself."

He felt Izzy's hand squeezing his knee underneath the table.

"No, you brought him back to his parents. The whole pack had been looking for him. His mother mentioned your name when explaining what happened," Maia said.

"W-what happened?" Alec repeated, cursing silently for the tremor in his voice.

Jordan pulled two chairs to the table and the two teenagers settled in. "Yeah, a rogue shadowhunter was holding him hostage. Liked torturing werewolves or something. Typical Nephilim."

"Hey!" Izzy said, offended.

Maia shrugged. "You lot found him using a tracking rune and you brought him home."

Alec suppressed the sigh of relief and nodded. "That's about it."

"Whatever he did to that kid must have been pretty fucked up," Jordan said absently.

"Why do you say that?" Simon asked.

Alec stared at his food. He kept his hands underneath the table so no one had to see them trembling.

"What with the wolf games and all," Jordan explained.

"Shut up, Jordan," Maia hissed.

Alec's head snapped up, his eyes trained on Jordan with such intensity. "What are wolf games?"

"You just can't keep your mouth shut, can you?" Maia sighed, leaning back in her chair with her arms crossed in front of her.

"Forget it," he said, looking at Maia sheepishly.

Jace looked at his parabatai worriedly. Alec looked ready to pounce on the werewolf.

"What are wolf games?" Jace repeated.

"None of your business. Don't worry, no one is breaking the precious covenant," Jordan snapped.

Izzy's hand was back on Alec's knee. His knee was now bouncing quickly as he stared at the newcomers.

"Listen," Alec started, trying to maintain his calm. "I just want to know if James is safe."

"Why do you care, Nephilim? You did your job. What the kid decides to do with himself is his business."

Alec tensed. Something was seriously wrong. If they didn't start answering questions soon, he didn't know if he would be able to control himself.

"Oh for God's sake," Maia huffed. "You're an idiot for bringing it up, Jordan."

She turned to Alec and continued. "A wolf game is gladiator-like battle between a wolf and an underaged werewolf. Underaged being the key factor because adult werewolves are stronger than wolves and it wouldn't be an interesting fight."

Alec felt numb as he stared unbelievingly at Maia. He knew about gladiators. "Gladiator- _like_?"

"Fight to the death."

Alec stood up abruptly.

"Has he already been in one of these?" Alec demanded.

"I thought werewolves respected wolves," Clary said at the same time. "That's what Luke said."

"It's not sanctioned by the pack. It's more like an underground, teenaged thing. Older teens get younger ones to participate in these battles and place bets."

"Yes, from what I've heard he's participated in a couple," Maia said, answering Alec's questions.

"And nobody cares when a dead werechild shows up?" Jace said, mortified.

"He hasn't died yet," Jordan said. "It's his choice."

"He's 13!" yelled Alec. "I have to go."

"Where are you going?" Izzy asked.

"I'm going to his place. You think I'm going to just let him do this to himself?" Alec said frantically.

"He won't be home. Tonight's the full moon. There's definitely a fight. Starts when the moon is at the highest point."

"Where are these games?" Alec demanded.

"I'm not telling you Nephilim that," Jordan snapped.

"I swear to you, if you don't tell me..."

"Are you threatening me?" Jordan stood up, glaring at Alec.

Alec clenched his fists. Maybe this wasn't the right approach.

"Listen," he said, calming his voice down. "I'm not trying to threaten you. I care about James  _a lot_. He's been through some bad shit, okay. He's not doing this because he's a thrill seeker or some reckless kid. He's doing this because he's in pain and it's easier to deal with being shredded apart by a wolf than deal with that pain."

Clary and Simon watched him carefully, clearly taken aback by Alec's passion for this kid.

"What the fuck happened to him?" Jordan said. He was also calming down and watching Alec closely.

Alec tensed. "That's not mine to say."

"They steal a wolf from a wolf conservation center in South Salem and the game takes place in Ward Pound Ridge Reservation near the center," Maia said. She placed her hand on Jordan's shoulder. "Maybe Alec is right."

Jordan nodded. "It's about an hour away by car."

"Fuck," Alec cursed. It was almost 11. The moon would be at it's highest by midnight and he didn't have a car. Maybe he could hitch a ride going north.

Maia nudged Jordan and looked at him expectantly.

Jordan sighed. "I have a truck."

Alec's heart was pounding as he looked at him hopefully.

"I can drive you up."

"Thank you," Alec said, sincerely.

"I'm coming," Jace said, standing up abruptly.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Jace," Alec started.

"And why the fuck not?" Jace retorted.

"Look, when we get up there, I'm going to get James out of this situation and I'm going to talk to him. Then he needs to ride back in the cab of a truck with a stranger. I don't want to overcrowd him."

"I'm not letting you go alone," Jace said.

"I can take care of myself," Alec snapped.

"I'll be there," Jordan reminded

Jace ignored the comment and pulled Alec to the side by his arm. "Alec, I can't let you go up there without me," he said when they were alone.

"You're not my keeper, Jace."

"But I'm your parabatai. We fight together."

"I'm not fighting demons."

"No, just a pack of werewolves," Jace shot back.

"Look, I'm not going to fight them. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'll have Jordan with me. He's a werewolf. He can help if things go south."

"A guy you just met? That's supposed to make me feel better? Alec, listen..."

"I'm not arguing anymore. If you want, you can tell Magnus and if something happens, he can portal you there."

"Well, then let's just get Magnus to portal us all together."

Alec shook his head. "He's had clients all day. He's exhausted and I'm not going to use him like some unlimited source of magic. I'm not asking him unless it's our only option."

"Damnit," Jace started but he was quickly interrupted by Jordan calling out to them.

"If we go now, we might get there before the game starts."

Alec turned away from Jace and nodded. "I need us to stop at the Institute to get some stuff."

**xxxxxx**

Jordan had some music on that Alec didn't recognize. Whatever it was, it was giving him a headache. They had been driving for almost an hour in relative silence.

Alec had changed into gear and grabbed some weapons at the Institute. Jordan hadn't been pleased even though Alec assured him that he would use it only on the wolf or any demons.

He had spent the majority of the ride trying not to run the worst case scenarios through his mind or dwell on what drove James to such high risk behavior.

"We're here," Jordan announced as the truck came to a stop. "Ward Pound Ridge Reservation."

Alec looked around. They were on the side of a road, facing a wall of tall trees.

"And you've been here before?"

"I've gone to one wolf game when I was first turned."

"So you know where to go?" Alec asked. He stepped out of the car and pulled his quiver of arrows across his back, his bow gripped tightly in his hand.

"Yeah, I know where to go."

Alec nodded mutely as he drew the runes for stealth and night vision. He checked his watch. It was minutes before midnight. "Let's go."

Jordan led the pair through the forest as they steered off the path and into the depths of the upstate New York wilderness. Alec, who had little exposure to unkept nature, felt more out of place amongst the trees than amongst the concrete buildings of New York City.

After hiking into the reservation for 20 minutes, Alec finally heard the sounds of people. Laughter, voices yelling and taunting. Alec's heart raced at the sound of growls. The rush of limbs moving quickly through the crisp air. The fight had started.

The two teenagers stopped behind some trees lining a clearing. The clearing was surrounded by other teenagers. They were cheering and jeering. And in the center was a wolf and a fully transformed werewolf. They were on their hind legs, claws buried in each other. A girl held a camera up, recording the fight.

Alec felt nauseous. Without time to think, he drew out an arrow and positioned it into his bow.

Jordan glared at him but didn't dare speak. Alec had masked his scent and sounds using runes, knowing that the group of werewolves would otherwise easily detect his presence. Jordan's scent, as a werewolf himself, would not alert their presence but any unexpected sound would.

Alec moved his arrow slightly with the motion of the fight. The movements of the fighters were so fast, they barely stayed in one position for a second. Any miscalculation and he would hit James with his arrow.

Finally, he released it, the swish of it piercing the air, announcing its presences just before it struck.

Yells scattered through the crowd. The wolf howled painfully, falling away from James.

"Nephilim," yelled a young teenaged boy who was staring at the arrow lodged in the wolf.

"Fuck them!" hissed someone else.

"I'm not waiting around. I'm out of here," said an older teen.

Alec and Jordan ducked out of sight as the group of teenagers scattered. One lone werewolf stayed. James. He slowly transformed back into his human form, staring at the arrow.

"Alec," he whispered. His soft utterance reaching Alec's heightened sense of sound.

"I'll meet you back at the truck," Alec told Jordan.

"What? Do you even know how to get back?"

"I got it," Alec said before leaving his companion behind.

He stepped into the clearing.

James tore his eyes away from the arrow. His clothes were torn and his exposed skin was smeared with blood, although his wounds were slowly starting to heal.

"How?" he asked lamely.

"I found out about the wolf games."

Suddenly, James face contorted with anger. "Nobody asked you to come up here!"

Alec tried not to flinch and stepped closer. He picked up his discarded jacket and held it out for the child. James grabbed it and put it on hastily.

"I don't need you to fucking save me, Alec. Just leave me alone."

"All your friends have scattered. How do you expect to get home?"

James slumped his shoulders and looked away, his face glistening in the moonlight. He collapsed against a large tree. "That's your fault," he muttered. He stared into the distance, rubbing his palms against his thighs absently.

"They aren't really your friends if they were willing to put you in a fight to the death."

"That was my decision," he snapped. "And who the hell do you think you are to take that away from me?"

Alec sighed. It all sounded too familiar. He sat on the ground a few feet in front of him, laying his bow down.

"Do you want to die James?" Alec asked softly.

James flinched at the bluntness.

"I fight to win."

"But you know you could die."

James shrugged his shoulders and looked away.

Alec watched him carefully, his emotions swirling painfully. He could see James's wounds glistening with blood in the moonlight. He scrunched his eyebrows at the sight. He should be fully healed.

"Why haven't you healed yet?"

James absently pressed his hand over an open wound on his neck. "I don't know," he said, his eyes still averted.

Alec stood up and walked over to the boy. He crouched down and studied him carefully. "Give me your jacket."

"I'm cold."

"Then give me the silver," he said, in a firm voice.

Suddenly, James pushed his hands forward, shoving Alec hard against his chest. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Alec quickly caught his balance and sprung to his feet.

"You think you're the only one who came up with this idea?" Alec hissed, glaring at the boy. Apparently, calmness was not going to work.

"Wolf fighting?" James asked, confused.

"No, hurting yourself. You can't handle the pain brought on by your memories. Basketball is not enough. The only thing that gives you reprieve is physical pain. But it doesn't last long, so you have to do it again. Over and over again. It becomes a compulsion."

"Shut up!"

"Am I right?" Alec demanded.

"You're wrong," he whispered. His eyes were swimming in a pool of tears.

"Am I?" Alec asked, less harshly.

Tears trailed through the grime on James's face.

Alec quickly removed his jacket and sweater, leaving him in a t-shirt. The crisp January air immediately cut into his skin but he ignored the chill. He held his arms out, holding his witchlight in his hand to provide additional light.

"You see these," Alec said, pointing at the scars that were not made by old runes. "This is what I've been doing to myself for five years. Multiple times a day on my arms, legs, stomach. Eventually, I got smart and started using runes to heal them before they scarred. Just like you and your silver I let them fester for as long as I could."

At first James stared at the faint, raised scars. His bottom lip quivered. "How can you tell me to stop if you've been doing that to yourself for  _five_  years?" he said bitterly.

Alec quickly pulled his sweater and coat back on, feeling exposed by more than the cold air. "Nobody tried to stop me because nobody knew."

Alec sat down, his feet inches away from James's feet. "I'm a master at keeping secrets James. I went silent for ten months instead of telling someone what Manson was doing to me."

James nodded silently like he was remembering an earlier conversation between them. "He did that to you for months..."

Alec looked away, hugging his knees to his chest, a mirror image of James against the tree. "I kept the abuse a secret. I kept my sexuality a secret. I kept the cutting a secret."

He looked back at James. "Maybe if somebody knew sooner, I'd be less fucked up today."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Let me help you. Give me the silver." Alec removed one of his gloves and handed it to James.

James stared at the glove for a moment before putting it on and reaching into his jacket pocket. He pulled out a long, thin silver chain. His eyes swung between the dangerous piece of jewelry and Alec. Finally he held it out and let it fall into Alec's open palm.

As soon as the silver was out of his possession, his wounds started to heal again. Alec curled his fingers around the chain and tucked it away before taking back his glove.

"What now?"

"I take you back home. You tell your parents and we go from there."

"Do I have to tell my parents?"

"Do you think telling them will help?"

"Mom will be sad, dad will be angry and they will just worry more."

"Or, we talk it out and figure out what's best for you."

"You'll come with me?"

"Always."

**xxxxxx**

Alec waited behind James as he fumbled with his keys in the hallway of his apartment. He sent a quick text off to Jace, Izzy and Magnus, updating them about his whereabouts.

The ride back into the city had been long and uncomfortable. Alec, by far the tallest of the three, sat between Jordan and James, his long legs cramped in the small space, so that James didn't have to sit so close to a stranger. Luckily the older werewolf didn't ask questions, dropping them off at the East Village apartment.

James didn't make an effort to enter the apartment quietly, knowing they needed to talk to his parents. Lights turned on from a bedroom as they stepped into the living room.

"James?" his mother said, stepping out of her bedroom.

"What the hell is going on?" said his father. His parents stared at the two boys as the sleepiness quickly left their expressions.

"Where have you been?" his mother asked. The fear in her eyes were palpable. "You went to bed hours ago."

Taken totally off guard, Alec didn't realize he was being attacked until James's father had him on the floor, his hand tightening around his throat. "What the hell did you do with him?" he snarled.

At first, Alec started to panic, his mind flying into the past, flashes of Manson holding him down and choking him while he raped him playing in his mind.

His senses seemed muffled. There was screaming in the background but he couldn't understand the words. His eyes started to water, blurring his vision but before he fell totally into oblivion, he gathered his strength.

_Manson is not here_ , he yelled silently.  _You're safe._

He latched onto the thought, his senses clearing slowly. He could see James pulling at his father's arm and his mother yelling.

Alec pulled himself to the present and drew in his Nephilim strength, grabbing the man by his biceps and pulling the hands away from his neck. James jumped to the side and Alec flung the man across the room. He crashed into a coffee table, glass shattering.

The shadowhunter gasped for air, his fingers grazing the bruised flesh of his throat as he jumped to his feet. He stared at the man as he stood up, panting. James's mom stepped in front of him. "Derek," she whispered, her voice hoarse from yelling.

Alec wanted nothing more than to leave. He felt like a trapped animal.

James was crying. "Alec, are you okay?"

He looked at James and nodded slowly. He wasn't going anywhere. He had a promise to keep.

James's mother pulled Derek into a standing position. Both parents turned to look at the teenagers.

Alec let his hand fall from his throat. James stood in front of him, protectively. He wondered fleetingly if James was trying to protect him from his parents or his parents from him.

"Elise, let me go," Derek hissed.

"Don't come near him," James commanded. "He never hurt me."

"I'm okay," Alec said, hoarsely. He stepped beside James and glared at Derek with deadly eyes. "Do not  _ever_  touch me again," he said so calmly, it sent chills through the room. His eyes shone an icy blue.

Derek opened his mouth to say something but Alec didn't give him a chance.

"I am not here to hurt your son. It does not make me happy that James and I share this experience. I would rather not know your son if it meant he did not experience the things I have. But that's where we are. So we all have to deal with it because I cannot change what happened to him anymore than I can erase the ten months of my life that's informed my existence for the last five years."

James's father relaxed slightly and Elise loosened her hold on her husband.

"So, unless you want your son to live out his trauma in silence because he's too scared to set you off or make you sad, you need to get your shit together and listen to him before you react."

Silence fell over the room until the older man broke it. "Fine."

Alec nodded. "Can I use your bathroom?"

"Through there," Elise directed.

As soon as he closed the door behind him, Alec's shoulders slumped. He gripped the sides of the sink, staring at the angry finger-shaped bruises on his neck in the mirror. He tightened his grip on the porcelain sink, trying to keep himself in the present.

He saw flashes.

_Standing in front of the mirror as a child, staring at similar bruises around his throat._

His eyes flickered to a razor that sat in a basket on top of the toilet tank. It was a modern razor, its blades embedded in plastic. If he really wanted to, he could remove the blades from the razor.

He shivered.

He could hear James in the living room.

"Don't ever do that again, dad," he yelled, his voice laced with tears. "Not all shadowhunters are bad. That shadowhunter hurt Alec too! A lot! And he's saved me more than once now. So don't hurt him!"

Alec closed his eyes.  _Be strong_ , he willed.  _Be strong._

He opened his eyes and drew out his stele. He traced a healing rune near the bruises. He could do this.

**xxxxxx**

He had spent over an hour with James and his family after he returned from the bathroom. They had established lines of communication for James and James's parents were going to find counseling for James. It was a mundane concept that Alec didn't totally understand but he had read about it in the book Izzy had given him about surviving abuse.

It well past 4am by the time he reached Magnus's apartment. He had debated just going back to the Institute but at the moment he needed Magnus. Every part of his being was ablaze with pain and memories and he knew that if he went back to the Institute right then he was more than likely to turn to bad habits. It scared him. Was he just replacing the blade with Magnus?

He shoved the thought away. He couldn't think about that right now. Instead, he pushed his key into the door knob and stepped into the apartment. Magnus had given him keys to the apartment soon after they declared each other boyfriends. Alec always texted him before he came over anyway, so he knew Magnus would be up.

Magnus, who was sitting in the sofa, sprang to his feet as Alec closed the door behind him.

"Darling," he said, watching him carefully.

Alec let out a quivering sigh and stepped forward, collapsing against the warlock. Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec, burying his nose in his hair as Alec stifled sobs.

Magnus rubbed circles into his back. "You're safe, babe," he whispered. "You're safe."

Alec pulled away and tried to smile. Magnus cupped his cheeks with his hands.

"I wanted to cut myself," Alec said. "But I came straight here instead."

"Good," he said before brushing his lips over Alec's. Alec gasped against his lips and pressed into them, desperate for the feelings they elicited. He pushed Magnus back into the couch and straddled his lap, his lips never leaving Magnus. Magnus wrapped his arms around his hips and pulled him in closer.

Alec closed his eyes as Magnus started peppering his face with light, sweet kisses.

Slowly, the old memory of Manson receded into the distance as Alec gave himself to new, happier memories.

Magnus's lips were at his jaw now.

Alec tensed momentarily.

"What is it, darling?" Magnus asked softly. "Tell me."

Alec hated that he had to say it but he knew if he wanted to avoid triggering a flashback, he had to be honest. "Can we avoid my throat for now?" His face flushed red at the absurdity of his request.

Something flashed across Magnus's face. Anger. But not at Alec. It's like he knew the request had to do with something sinister from his past.

"I'm sorry." Alec couldn't help himself.

"No Alec. Don't ever be sorry. Do you want to curl up and watch a movie? Go to bed?"

"No. I want to stay here and make out with my boyfriend if that's okay with you." Alec blushed.

"That is more than okay with me. It's quite ideal, in fact," Magnus replied with a flourish before capturing Alec's lips with his own.

Alec moaned into his mouth, lifting his body slightly and prodding for entrance with his tongue.

And Magnus happily complied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! That was a long chapter. I promise to try to include more lighter scenes but a lot of this story about healing is intense. Please let me know what you think! Next chapter is called For a Mother's Love (aka enter Maryse)


	5. And I Trust You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, super quick update! But, I what I ended up writing took so much space, that I have to save the majority of the Maryse/Alec stuff I promised until the next chapter. And because I want to keep the snapshot from each month theme going, it will be in flashback form...but that's no surprise with me! Please let me know what you think! This chapter has more adult sexual content in it than I am used to writing, so bear with me!
> 
> Important: "September 2008" refers to a day an year after the events of Learning to Be
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare created Mortal Instruments and all the characters and the universe used in this story. Like Learning to Be, the actual plot of the series is largely ignored and may only appear in a cursory manner.
> 
> Warning: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including discussion and memories of sexual abuse of minors (not explicitly described) and self-destructive behavior. There is also coarse language and adult sexual content in this story.

* * *

**September 2008**

* * *

Alec was standing at the edge of the water, the ocean licking at his feet. The sun was blazing down on him. Magnus had brought Alec sea blue swim trunks that hit him just above the knees. Alec had laughed with relief when Magnus gave them to him. He was terrified that Magnus would have brought some tiny swim briefs for him to wear.

"Babe," Magnus said from behind him. Alec turned around as Magnus made his way down the beach to the water. Alec bit his bottom lip. He looked like a god. His long, lean body was clad in nothing but a pair of square swim shorts. They were tight black shorts with a two inch wide gold strip running horizontally at his hips. They were cut straight across his thighs only an inch below his crotch. It left very little to the imagination. His flawless, tanned skin glistened in the sunlight and the lines of his lean muscles moved gracefully as he neared Alec.

"You are going to be a blistering mess if you don't put some sunscreen on," he said, reaching forward and pulling Alec in by his hips.

"I didn't think about that."

"Well, your white boy skin can't handle this sun otherwise." He held his hand up and with the snap of his finger, a bottle of sunscreen appeared in his palm. "Let me do the honor," he whispered seductively into his ear. Alec blushed and nodded.

Magnus squeezed sunscreen into his hands and placed them on Alec's shoulders. Alec yelped at the coldness. Magnus ran his hands in a circular motion down his arms slowly. "Mmm," he murmured appreciatively. "What perfectly defined arms you have, darling."

Alec smiled and didn't even flinch as his fingers brushed against his scars. Magnus moved to his hands to his chest, murmuring sounds of continued appreciation as they ran over his pecs and abs.

Alec chuckled. "Stop over exaggerating Magnus, as if you've never explored my body before."

Magnus had turned him around and was applying sunscreen to his back now. He pressed his lips into his shoulder blade as his hands moved up and down his back. "I'm just voicing how lucky I am," he said.

Alec closed his eyes, his heart soaring. "I'm the lucky one," Alec replied. He felt lips on the small of his back as Magnus's hands reached the exposed parts of his legs. He spun him around again and Alec looked down to his boyfriend's kneeling form. His was rubbing lotion into his feet and ankles and moving his way up.

Alec blushed. "I can do the rest."

"Do you want me to stop?" Magnus asked. His voice was still seductive but Alec knew he took the question seriously. "No," he whispered. Alec ran his fingers through Magnus's hair as Magnus worked his way up, his hands now on his knees.

Alec felt himself hardening as his hands inched further up. Magnus grinned. "I could take care of that," he said, huskily. He looked up at Alec, his eyes twinkling.

The teenager bit his lip. "We're in public, Magnus!" he exclaimed.

Magnus chuckled, his fingers playing with the hem of his shorts. "We're in a private beach, miles away from the next human being. This is our private little oasis, babe."

Alec's cheeks flushed again.

"Is that a yes?" Magnus murmured, teasingly.

"Yes," Alec whispered.

Magnus moaned in response, his fingers hooking into the elastic of Alec's shorts, pulling the front down just enough to gain access. He pressed his lips at the base of Alec's erection, humming against Alec's skin.

* * *

**February 2008**

* * *

Alec held Max's hand as they crossed Park Avenue on their way to JHU Comic Books. Max pulled his hand away as soon as they stepped back onto the sidewalk and Alec decided that he needed to relax a little and let his little brother walk beside him without holding his hand the whole time.

Max was rambling happily about the manga series he was reading and how excited he was to get the next issue. The premise of the series, Death Note, seemed totally inappropriate for a nine year old but Alec learned that he was fighting a losing battle, trying to censor Max's reading. And besides, as a Nephilim, such censorship seemed futile and unnecessary.

It was a crisp afternoon in early February. Alec had promised to take Max to buy new manga. He looked at his kid brother nervously. He was also planning on telling him about Magnus.

Ever since the events in September, Alec's relationship with Max had only grown stronger. Max had seemed to decide that he was going to make sure his big brother did not lapse back into the sad, broken person Max was used to and Alec in turn worked very hard to live up to Max's expectations. Sometimes, that meant hiding the bad times but Max really did help.

It was refreshing to be around the younger boy. Max, with his endless curiosity and innocent wonder, reminded Alec of a childhood he had forgotten. A childhood that he had at one time before it was destroyed. And when he looked at Max he was resolved to protect that wonder at all cost.

And at the same time, he wanted to share his life with his brother, the way he had shared it with Jace and Izzy. In a way that he still hid from his parents. He just hoped that Max wouldn't reject him. He knew it was an irrational fear but it was one he held nevertheless.

"Wow, this place is awesome!" Max announced as they entered the comic book store. The walls were lined high with books, with more bookshelves running through the the interior of the store. "Come on Alec, the manga are over here."

After picking out three manga books, Alec convinced him to buy some comic books too. Ever since he started dating Magnus, he found himself reading and watching many Marvel and DC comics.

Max picked up some issues of Spider-Man and X-Men and they took them to the register.

"Thanks Alec, I can't wait to read them," Max said as the two Lightwoods walked down 32nd Street into K-Town.

"Of course, Max," Alec said, ruffling his hair lightly.

Max pouted and tried to fix his hair. Alec laughed. "So, I invited Magnus to lunch, if that's okay with you. You remember him from the park back in September?"

"Yeah," Max said. "I like him."

Alec wrung his hands with nervousness. "Um, well, there's something I want to tell you about Magnus."

"What?"

Alec ushered Max into one of the many Korean restaurants that lined the street and asked for a table for three. Once they were seated, with menus in hand, he continued.

"Well, umm, he's more than a friend."

Max looked at him confused.

Alec sighed and just went for it. "I'm dating him."

Max scrunched his forehead in confusion. "Like Jace is dating Clary?"

"Yes, like that," Alec said.

"Can shadowhunters date warlocks?" Max asked, still confused.

Alec couldn't help but laugh, relief washing over him. He wanted to hug Max right there for being absolutely perfect.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," he started. "It's complicated Max. The Clave and our parents might not be too happy about our relationship but he makes me happy."

"Oh," Max said. "So mom and dad don't know?"

The nervousness had returned. "No, they don't know. Do you think we can keep this between us until I'm ready to tell them?"

"Because mom and dad wouldn't approve of you dating a warlock?"

Alec decided to be totally honest. "That and because we're both men."

"Oh," Max said again, deep in thought. He pushed his glasses up. "Does he make you happy?"

"Yes he does."

"And he doesn't hurt you?" he asked seriously, his gray eyes scrutinizing his older brother carefully as if he was ready to spot a lie.

Alec's heart skipped a beat. He hated that Max felt the need to ask that. "I feel safe with Magnus, Max."

"Good," he said firmly. "Well, if he makes you happy and you're safe with him, that's all that matters, right?"

Alec nodded and smiled.

"Does Jace and Izzy know?"

"They do."

He pouted a little. "I though maybe you told me first."

Alec chuckled. "Well, to their credit, they figured it out when we were at the park without me saying anything. When you're older, you'll probably notice things like that too."

Max groaned. "I hate being young."

"Trust me Max, enjoy this time. You have plenty of time later to be an adult."

"Sure," Max muttered. He was about to say something else when they were interrupted by Magnus's arrival.

"Hi Max," Magnus said as he slid into the chair beside Alec. He placed his hand on Alec's knee underneath the table and squeezed it gently.

"Hi Magnus," Max greeted. "Alec just told me that you're dating my brother."

"Did he now?" he said, smiling broadly. He pecked Alec on the cheek and Alec blushed. He looked at Max who was watching them carefully.

"But I have to make sure that you're good for Alec," he said seriously, his large eyes watching Magnus.

Alec groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

Magnus smiled. "I think that makes you a very good brother," Magnus said.

Max beamed and nodded.

"Let's order some food and we can discuss," Magnus suggested.

**xxxxxx**

Max walked between Alec and his boyfriend, talking happily about Death Note as they made their way back to the 6 train after lunch. Max had never had Korean food before but he hoped he got to have it more often now.

He felt proud that Alec trusted him to share his life with him in a way that he never did before. Most of his life, he was reminded of how much younger he was than his siblings.

And Magnus was cool. He knew a lot about manga and comic books. And he took Max seriously when he told him that he had to be good to Alec.

In the past few months, Max had seen Alec happier than he had ever seen him in the last five years, since that horrible night when he had had that nightmare and gone to Alec's room. He knew that Magnus wasn't the only reason he seemed happier. The Clave had finally put the bad man away and Alec talked to his siblings more. But he also knew that Magnus had a part in it too.

At lunch, it was obvious how much Alec liked Magnus.

Once they arrived at the station, Max stopped talking about manga.

"Well, Max, I'll find those comic books and give them to Alec for you. But remember to be careful with them."

Max nodded solemnly. He was always very particular with his things. "I promise," he said. "And remember to treat my brother well or I'll tell Jace and Izzy." Max knew that he couldn't do anything at his age but Jace and Izzy could definitely do some damage.

Alec groaned again. "By the angel, Max!"

Magnus rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "You Lightwoods are all the same!"

"Promise?" Max insisted.

"I promise."

"Good."

Magnus looked at Alec. "When you met some of my friends they weren't nearly as concerned about my well-being, what with you being Nephilim and all."

Alec smiled. "I promise to be good to you too, Magnus," he said.

"I'd hope so," Magnus said, smiling back at him. He looked down at Max. "I'll see you later Max."

"Bye Magnus!" Max replied

Magnus kissed Alec lightly on the lips. Alec's cheeks flushed.

"I'll see you later, darling? I have a couple of late-night appointments today. Vampires."

"Okay, I'll come by after hunting."

"Sounds perfect."

Magnus disappeared into the downtown side of the station while the two Lightwoods headed towards the uptown platform. Luckily, the train wasn't busy and they found seats immediately.

"I had a lot of fun today, Alec," Max said.

Alec smiled. "So did I. Thanks for being open about Magnus. I know it's confusing."

Max shook his head, deep in thought. "I thought all downwolders were bad and that all couples were like mom and dad. But I shouldn't just believe everything I'm told."

"Wise words Max. I wish I had learned that lesson a long time ago."

**xxxxxx**

Alec, Izzy and Jace had killed six demons that night. Luckily, they were close to the Institute so Alec could shower before sneaking off to Magnus's place.

By the time he made it to Magnus's loft, it was well past midnight, which was still earlier than some of his nights out hunting demons.

"How was the rest of your day?" Alec asked as he settled into his self-proclaimed side of Magnus's bed.

"Vampires can be so whining. Did I ever tell you that?" Magnus asked as he magicked two glasses of water into his hands.

Alec smiled as he accepted the glass. "Once or twice but don't tell Simon that. He's still adjusting."

"Pst. Simen was whiny before he became a vampire."

"Simon."

"That's what I said."

Alec rolled his eyes and took a sip of his water.

"Enough talk about vampires. How was the rest of your day, darling?"

"Good." He placed his glass on the bedside table and pressed his lips against him. "I'm happy I get to end it with you."

Magnus moaned in return, putting his glass away and wrapping his arms around his waist, drawing him closer.

Alec climbed on top of Magnus so that he was straddling Magnus's outstretched legs. His hands worked the buttons of Magnus's nightshirt until he finally got through all of them. He pushed the shirt off his shoulders and peppered his shoulders with kisses.

Magnus's hands curled around Alec's hips before capturing his lips with his own and seeking entrance with his tongue. Alec quickly opened his mouth, their tongues dancing past each other as Magnus jerked his hips up. Suddenly, Magnus froze, his eyes open, looking at Alec carefully, their lips still locked.

Alec's heart beat faster but he mirrored the movement, rutting his hips down into Magnus's clothed crotch. A moan vibrated into his mouth from Magnus as they pressed into each other, feeling their growing erections as they rubbed against each other fervently.

Alec gasped at the sensation and slinked his hands down to the waist of Magnus's pants. He was trembling but he also wanted to move past just kissing. Since the day they had gone to see the Christmas tree they hadn't done anything beyond some heavy making out. Then, he had motivated himself out of fear of expectations and it had backfired.

This time felt different. Alec needed the contact. He wanted it. He was tired of treating himself with kid gloves. He was happy. Today was one of those rare days that was filled with nothing but good memories and he wanted to keep the momentum going.

He slipped his fingers past the elastic of Magnus's pants.

Magnus stopped kissing and pulled away.

"Alec?" he questioned.

Alec's fingers brushed against Magnus's hipbones. "I want more," he whispered.

"We don't have to, darling."

"I know that. But  _I_  want more. I...d-do you want more?" He cursed silently for stuttering.

"I want whatever you want."

Alec flinched and moved away, so that he was seated on Magnus's lower thighs, both their erections obvious between the thin materials of their pajama bottoms.

"That's a stupid answer, Magnus. What do you want?"

"Alec," he started.

"I want to make you happy."

"You already make me happy, babe."

Alec shook his head in frustration. "No, I want to make you  _happy_." he emphasized. His face was flushed red. "I don't want to do it because I think it's expected of me like before. I want to do it because I want to."

"Do what?" he asked gently.

His stomach twisted in knots. "I-I don't know...I..."

"How about I do something for you instead?"

Alec shook his head, confused. He climbed off of Magnus and stood up abruptly.

Magnus climbed out of bed after him, standing a few feet away. "Babe, it's okay."

Alec ran his hand through his hair. Magnus was standing there, looking at him worriedly and Alec hated it. Hated the worry. He just wanted a normal, healthy relationship.

Quickly, Alec removed his nightshirt and pajama bottoms, leaving him standing in his boxers. His whole body seemed flushed red but he felt the strong need to make decisive moves and not think about them too much.

His body was littered with scars while Magnus stood topless with perfect, golden skin. If he could hide away his scars for the rest of his life, he would but he knew that was impossible. If Magnus didn't like what he saw, what was the point in dragging this relationship out any further?

His eyes flickered around the room, his eyes catching a glimpse of himself in the full length mirror hanging over the bathroom door. He turned towards it, staring at his reflection.

Magnus walked behind him in the mirror, his hands resting on Alec's shoulders gently. "What do you see, Alec?"

Alec examined at his reflection, his scars jumping out at him, reminders of his weakness.

"I see damaged goods. When I was younger and  _he_  would call me beautiful, I wished to be ugly and undesirable. I guess I finally succeeded," he replied bitterly. He hated bringing  _him_  up but it was the unwanted elephant in the room.

"Can I tell you what I see?" Magnus said, his hands slowly running down his arms, his fingers rubbing circles into his muscles soothingly.

Alec nodded mutely.

He bent down slightly and kissed the corner of his eye. "I see kind, expressive, perfect eyes." He kissed his jaw. "Perfectly kissable lips and a strong, defined jaw."

Alec cast his eyes down, blush creeping up on his cheeks once again.

"I see a long, lean, hard body that makes my mind go to all kinds of wonderful places," he whispered into his ears as his fingers traced the lines of the muscles on his chest and stomach.

His lips moved to press along his back. His lips vibrated against his muscles as he continued.

"I see angelic power reflected back in each rune old and new, beautiful patterns telling a story of strength and the power you wield with responsibility. I see a Nephilim I trust after decades of not trusting shadowhunters."

Magnus stepped in front of him. He ran his fingers through Alec's hair before tracing a scar with his finger. Alec tensed but didn't move away.

"I see battle wounds," he said as he brushed over a faint scar of an old self-inflicted cut.

Alec shook his head in protest.

"Hear me out, Alec. I see battle wounds. Because this is a battle, like any other you've faced against demons."

Magnus started kissing every scar he could easily reach. Alec's heart soared with warmth and gratitude. A sensation he knew was born out of trust.

"Each scar tells a story of unimaginable adversity that you fight to overcome everyday. I see more strength reflected back in these scars than all the muscles of your angel-touched body."

Tears pooled at the bottom of Alec's eyelids.

"Alec?" Magnus asked worriedly.

"By the angel, you are so perfect, Magnus."

"And you are so beautiful, Alec, in so many ways."

Alec pressed his eyes against Magnus's shoulder, quelling the tears against his skin. His hands rested at Magnus's sides. "I am more naked than you now," he murmured against his shoulder.

"I'm not wearing any underwear under my pants."

"That's okay," Alec whispered.

He felt Magnus shift as he kept his face buried against his shoulder. He moved his fingers down Magnus's back but paused when he felt his hands brush over the bare curve of Magnus's backside.

His heart was racing and he was sure that Magnus could feel it.

"You can keep going if you want," Magnus whispered.

Alec let his hands mover further down, his fingers exploring the taut muscles of his backside. He buried his face deeper, knowing his entire face was beet red as he squeezed Magnus's flesh. Magnus moaned, his hips rutting up, his erection pressing into his stomach.

Alec gasped and looked up at Magnus. He needed to overcome the shyness that was preventing him from looking at his boyfriend.

"Are you okay, Alec?"

Alec nodded. He wasn't sure if he would be able to speak. His hands were still kneading his backside. It was a sensation he had never experienced before. It was a sensation he loved.

"What do you want to do?" Magnus's voice was hoarse with desire.

Alec stepped back. He wanted to look at Magnus.

Magnus smiled broadly. He placed his hands on his hips, pushing his chest out and giving Alec a coy expression, as if he was showing off his body.

Alec laughed and blushed at the same time. Magnus was adorable. And beautiful. And stunning. And the first man he had seen naked and not been terrified. He let his eyes wander to his crotch, sucking in some air quickly.

He wanted to touch Magnus. He wanted to do all the things his mind tormented him for wanting. He wanted to separate them from the experiences he did not consent to. He closed his eyes, his hands trembling.

Light touches fell on his shoulders. He flinched, his eyes flinging open. Magnus was standing in front of him, a towel wrapped around his waist.

"It's okay, Alec."

Alec shook his head and curled his fingers over the soft terrycloth. "I'm okay, Magnus," he said as he pulled the towel away, tossing it into a nearby armchair. "I have to let the thoughts run their course or I'll never get anywhere."

Magnus nodded, nuzzling his nose in Alec's hair. Alec let his hand wander between them, shaking fingers brushing against Magnus's erection. Magnus stilled, his lips pressed into his temple.

Alec's mind flew in so many directions at once as he wrapped his hand around Magnus, their bodies pressed tightly together.

Memories of the first time he was forced to touch Manson. Memories of the times he touched himself that always resulted in cutting himself.

But there were other thoughts too. Ones of the fantasies he had about Magnus. The overwhelming feeling of warmth and safety he felt with the man. The desire he had to touch Magnus slowly pushed aside the bad things. He tentatively moved his hand up, squeezing his fingers closer.

"Alec," Magnus moaned, his lips now leaving desperate hickeys on his neck and shoulder as Alec started to move his hand more confidently.

Magnus's hands rested low on his hips, over his boxers.

Alec pushed the side of his boxers with his free hand. "Take them off," Alec murmured, his need to release himself getting more desperate.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" Alec gasped.

"I can magic them off." Magnus's voice was low and husky and his breathing was heavy.

"Yes, do that," Alec said absently, he was moving his hand faster, his mind totally focused on the present and nothing else.

He felt the rush of cool air hit his exposed skin after Magnus snapped his fingers.

Blush returned full force but Magnus didn't give him time to think. He pulled his hand away and quickly pulled their bodies closer, their bare erections now pressed together.

Alec gasped, his eyes growing wide at the sensation.

"Wrap your arms around me. You can place your hands anywhere you want," Magnus said. He had his hands cupping his face. He quickly captured his mouth and pushed his tongue past his lips.

Alec moaned into his mouth, kissing him back wantonly. Alec was feeling bolder and bolder. He wrapped his arms around Magnus, cupping his backside and pulled him impossibly close. Magnus responded by rutting into him, their bodies now moving quickly against each other, the friction between their erections heightened.

"Oh my god!" Alec gasped. His breathing was labored and he stumbled back. Magnus caught him before he fell backwards, nearly picking him off the floor.

They didn't lose contact with their lips as Magnus walked him back slowly. The back of Alec's knees hit the bed and Magnus pulled his mouth away just enough to speak.

But before he could say anything, Alec let himself fall back into the bed, so that his butt and back were pressed into the bed. He pulled Magnus down with him and in a moment of boldness, he wrapped his legs around Magnus's hips, so the heels of his feet pressed into Magnus's backside.

The friction between them intensified as both men rubbed against each other. Magnus moaned desperately and started peppering kisses down his chest before brushing them over a nipple, capturing it gently in his lips.

Alec jerked at the touch.

Magnus looked up at Alec, his chin resting on Alec's pecs. "No?"

Alec let his body make his decision. "Yes," he replied hoarsely.

Magnus's eyes twinkled before going back to his nipple. The feeling of Magnus tugging at it was overwhelming. He gasped loudly and Magnus used his fingers on his other nipple.

"Magnus," he whined, his body jerking up frantically. "Oh my god, Magnus..." Tension was building and he felt almost lightheaded.

"I got you, babe," Magnus said against his skin, his own voice sounding of impending explosion. Magnus brought his free hand between their crotches and looked at Alec for permission.

Alec nodded. He did not think he could speak coherently.

Magnus quickly tugged at Alec's member, holding him tightly and pumping up and down. It only lasted seconds after that before Alec's head fell back into the sheets, his body jerking up as he came. "Magnus," he gasped. "Maaaagnus."

He closed his eyes, letting himself come down from the unbelievable high. HIs legs collapsed and he finally opened his eyes. Magnus was still bent over him, looking blissfully happy. He was touching himself, jerking his hand up and down.

Alec instantly felt bad. "Let me, Magnus," he said, his voice hoarse.

"No darling," Magnus gasped. "I'm so close. Just seeing you like this...angel...Alec...kiss me."

Alec sat up and captured Magnus's lips. Magnus returned the contact fervently and within seconds, Magnus was moaning helplessly into his mouth, his release falling onto Alec's legs.

Silence fell over the room after that. Magnus sat down beside Alec.

Alec looked at Magnus shyly and Magnus smiled. "Are you okay, Alec?"

Alec nodded mutely, suddenly very aware of their nudity, even after what just transpired. Seeming to understand the paradox, Magnus snapped his fingers and both boys were in boxers, all evidence of their romp gone.

Magnus pulled back the sheets and settled into the bed, pulling Alec in with him. He wrapped his arms around Alec protectively and drew him in. Alec cuddled up against him, resting his head in his chest, his heart still racing, even though he was well past the high.

_That had just happened._

And he was okay.

He was more than okay.

He was happy.

He felt a sob rise from within and he tried to stifle it desperately but he failed. Tears rushed forward and he buried his face in Magnus's chest, sobbing.

 _Get it together_ , he silently screamed. Embarrassment was joining his other emotions quickly and he tried to pull away and flee from the room.

But Magnus wouldn't let him. He sat up, still holding Alec and looked at him carefully.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" he sobbed. "I'm pathetic. Fuck."

"No, Alec. You're far from pathetic." Magnus looked worried and Alec hated himself even more for making this beautiful man worry. "Talk to me. Please. We went too fast. I'm so sorry.

Alec shook his head. "No, no, by the angel, I've never felt so happy." He laughed wildly as treacherous tears spilled down his cheeks. "I felt safe and wanted and by the angel, I think, I think...is that how it's supposed to feel?" He looked at Magnus, his eyes wide and overwhelmed.

"How did you feel?"

"Like...like I was coming apart at the seams with...with...pleasure." He said the last word hushed.

Magnus closed his eyes, tears of relief escaping the older man's eyes.

"Magnus?"

"I'm fine," he said hoarsely. "I...I was so scared I did the wrong thing. Shit, I'm sorry."

Alec kissed him lightly on the cheek, the saltiness of both their tears touching his lips.

"No Mags, sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by how perfect you are."

"I'm not perfect, Alec," Magnus said, his own vulnerability seeping through.

"To me, you are."

"That scares me."

"If you make a mistake, that doesn't make you any less perfect to me. You're always telling me that it's okay that I make mistakes. Can you take your own advice?"

"I don't ever want to hurt you, Alec. And just now, if I got carried away..."

"Every step of the way, you asked me what I wanted in one way or another. And I know, without a doubt, that if I said no, you would have stopped, no matter what."

Magnus nodded, brushing a strand of hair out of Alec's face.

"I'm still processing the feelings. I was nervous and yes, I was scared. But I also wanted it, Magnus. I have fantasized about doing more with you and...and you make me feel safe Magnus, like I can forget about my trauma for long enough to experience something special with someone I trust."

Magnus smiled softly, his fingers still caressing his hair.

"For so long I thought that every first was taken from me. I've given a hand job before and I've been stimulated to...to ejaculation." Alec lowered his gaze, his cheeks heating up with shame he didn't seem able to shake.

"Don't hide your eyes from me, darling," Magnus said gently.

Alec looked back at him. "But tonight...this...this was nothing like before. This was first for me Magnus. When I...when I came...it was like I was seeing stars, it was overwhelming and explosive in a way I thought was impossible. Every time before today it was filled with pain and guilt and shame and self-hatred."

Alec was crying again and he hated it. Who the hell had the best orgasm of their life and then cried? "I'm sorry," he said as he wiped away the tears angrily. "Despite my traitorous tear ducts, I'm happy. And I don't regret anything we did tonight."

"We have to stop saying 'sorry' for everything."

Alec laughed. "That's not as easy as it sound."

"I've been alive for a long time and I've had a lot of sexual experiences."

Alec bit his bottom lip. "But for a long time now, I've felt numb. I'll have sex and I won't actually feel anything."

Alec watched him carefully.

"But tonight, tonight, you made me feel alive again. And I felt it down there," he said coyly. "But I also felt it here." He drew Alec's hand over his heart.

Blushing, Alec kissed the side of his jaw. "That makes me feel special," he whispered. "I don't want to feel like I take and take and never give you anything in return."

"You are special, Alec."

Alec pulled Magnus deeper into the sheets, so that they were both lying down and snuggled up against him.

"You're more special," Alec teased.

Magnus chuckled. "Neither of us will ever win this game will we?"

"We may reach a new level of sappy if we try but I have to get up in a few hours so let's put it on hold."

"Sounds like a plan. Good night, darling."

"Good night Mags."

**xxxxxx**

Alec was a few blocks from the Institute but instead of picking up the pace of his run, he slowed down to a brisk walk. He would make it back to his room before 7, so no one would notice him missing.

The only people he was keeping secrets from were his parents now and he didn't really know why he kept them in the dark. They had already disappointed him, so if they reacted badly to his relationship with Magnus, it shouldn't matter. But despite everything they had done, he still found himself protecting himself from being disappointed. It was rather pathetic if he thought about it.

Pushing his parents out of his mind, he thought about Magnus instead. Last night had been more than he would have ever imagined possible for himself. It filled him with so much hope and joy. Here he was, on his morning run, which coupled as his commute back to the Institute, after a monumental step and he wasn't freaking out.

The experience last night did not drive him to thoughts of a blade. Instead, he found himself daydreaming about Magnus, like he imagined a normal teenager might after his first sexual encounter. And the fact that it did feel like a first for him heightened his euphoria.

Instead of taking the noisy elevator, he sprinted two steps at a time until he reached his floor, walking quietly through the silent hallway towards his bedroom.

When he reached his room, faint light peeked out from underneath the door and his doorknob turned without him unlocking it. He knew anyone in the Institute could unlock it using an unlocking rune but it was something he did out of habit.

He didn't have a weapon on him, so he opened the door slowly, his hands drawn up in ready fists. The room was illuminated with witchlight. He stared, dumbfound at the source of the light.

At the side of his bed, sat his mother. She was wearing a big t-shirt and pajama pants, the witchlight balanced in her palm. She looked up at Alec as he entered the room.

"You're home," she said plainly.

At first Alec didn't know what to say. He stepped into the room before he finally spoke. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to check in on you and you weren't here."

Alec almost laughed harshly at the irony but held it in. "I went for a run."

"I came to check on you last night after Jace and Izzy went to bed."

"You've been sitting here all night?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm alive, so you can leave now," he snapped. He was glad the hickeys Magnus gave him were hidden underneath the scarf wrapped around his neck.

"Where were you?"

"Doesn't matter."

She sat up and watched Alec carefully. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Alec visibly cringed. "No."

"Then where were you? I was worried."

"Oh really?" Alec snapped. "Now you're fucking worried? You wait until I turn 18 to come and check on me in the middle of the night? Where were you five years ago, mother? Fucking too late, that's where! Five year ago, it would have saved me a lot of pain. Now it's just pathetic."

"I'm not going to stop caring just because you're an adult."

"You mean start caring."

"Alec," she started.

"Why do you even try, mom? What's the point? You and me, we're at an impasse. More like two ships passing in the night than mother and son."

Silent tears ran down her cheeks.

He felt nothing. He wondered if that made him heartless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, that is the longest chapter yet! So many things...Max/Alec/Magnus, Alec/Magnus and some Maryse/Alec drama. Please let me know what you think! Reviews are golden!


	6. Of Mother, Father and Son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, I'm so sorry for the delay. I've had a portion of this written for a long time but it's been so hard to write and I'm not really happy with the results. But I don't want to keep it hostage forever. So here it is. Please bear with me as we go through an flashback within a flashback. And thank you so much to everyone who has stuck it out. Your reviews make me so happy.
> 
> Important: "September 2008" refers to a day an year after the events of Learning to Be
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare created Mortal Instruments and all the characters and the universe used in this story. Like Learning to Be, the actual plot of the series is largely ignored and may only appear in a cursory manner.
> 
> Warning: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including discussion and memories of sexual abuse of minors (not explicitly described) and self-destructive behavior. There is also coarse language and adult sexual content in this story.

* * *

**September 2008**

* * *

"You're totally cheating," complained Alec as he turned around to look at the "remodeling" Magnus had done on their sandcastle. They had spent the last hour making an elaborate castle out of sand using toy sand pails and tools they found in the villa.

And while Alec was digging a waterway from the ocean to the castle's moat, Magnus had taken it upon himself to add lines to make it look like it was built out of tiny sand stones and little lights in the windows with his magic.

Magnus chuckled as Alec drew nearer, water filling his tunnel as he connected it with the deep moat around the castle. Magnus slung his arms around Alec's waist and pulled the younger man against him.

"Maybe I should shrink us and we can explore our castle."

"You couldn't do that!"

"I totally could!" Magnus replied in mock outrage.

Alec twisted his body so that he could look at Magnus while keeping himself wrapped in the strong arms. "Oh really?"

"Of course I can," Magnus started and then smiled sheepishly. "...but then I wouldn't have enough energy to turn us back. You know being so small and all."

"And we'd get washed out with the tide and then what?"

"I'll make us a tiny ship with my tiny magic and we'd live happily ever after."

"Until we're eaten by a fish."

"Why must you poke holes in our tiny adventures?" Magnus whined.

"Because I love all 6 feet and 2 inches of you."

"Oh yeah? Are those the only inches of me you love?" Magnus purred.

Alec looked confused for a moment before he blushed furiously and shoved him away, playfully.

"By the angel, Magnus," he exclaimed as Magnus fell backwards into the sand, laughing so much, tears gathered in his eyes. Alec swung his knees on either side of Magnus's stomach and bent down to kiss him. His lips grazed over Magnus's lips before he pressed harder, waiting to be granted entrance. Magnus, who was trying to contain his laughter quickly pulled at Alec's bottom lip with his teeth, swiping his tongue against Alec.

"I love every inch of you," Alec murmured when they pulled away, Alec's eyes twinkling, like a mirror of the blue ocean behind them.

Magnus smiled, brushing sand out of Alec's hair. "I love you too, darling."

* * *

**March 2008**

* * *

"Alec, can you grab two bowls for me" Maryse said as she stirred the large pot of chicken noodle soup. Alec was standing at the kitchen island slicing a fresh loaf of bread into thick slices for his sick siblings.

He put down the knife and went to the cupboard for the bowls. Jace and Izzy had both come down with a horrible flu. Maryse insisted that both Alec and Max stay clear of the two teenagers. Robert was already avoiding them.

Max sat beside Alec on a high stool, kicking his feet against the counter and sneaking a slice of bread.

"But won't you get sick, mom?" Max asked.

"I have an excellent immune system. I'll be fine. And don't talk with your mouth full."

Alec looked back and laughed. "Do you want some soup with that bread?"

Max shook his head. "I like it plain."

"Sounds delicious," Alec replied. He passed the bowls to his mother and waited for her to hand them back filled with the piping hot soup. He arranged the bowls and bread on a tray with two glasses of ginger ale.

"They better not expect this kind of service when they're able to get themselves downstairs," Alec said, handing off the tray to his mother.

Maryse laughed and smiled at Alec. "Maybe Izzy will make you lunch instead," she replied cheekily before taking the tray upstairs.

Max chuckled and Alec stole some of his bread.

"You're being nice to mom lately," Max said.

Alec frowned. Was his animosity towards his mom so obvious that a nine-year-old could pick up on it?

Alec shrugged. "Why don't I make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich," he said instead. He didn't really want to talk about his relationship with his mother. Ever since their conversation that morning a month ago, Alec was trying to make an effort to improve their relationship.

**xxxxxx**

_February 2008_

"You're welcome to leave now, mother," Alec said, turning his back on his mom and shuffling through his drawer for a clean towel.

A gentle hand fell on his shoulder and he instantly tensed. His own hand clenched the terry cloth, his high from the night with Magnus slipping away, slowly replaced by emotions he didn't want to deal with; the feelings he associated with his mother were disappointment, betrayal, even shame but most of all, longing. A deep, uncontrollable desire for his mother's affection, something he had long given up on but subconsciously never stopped wanting.

"I'm not leaving until we talk."

He jerked his shoulder away, his back still facing her. "Do I have a choice?"

"If that's what it takes," his mom said, sighing deeply.

Alec closed his eyes. He remembered how careful Jace always was with his need for autonomy. It took a lot for Jace to take that away from him, only resorting to it when it involved Alec hurting himself or putting himself in harms way.

Maryse stepped away from him and he finally turned around, looking her squarely in the eyes.

She watched him carefully and her shoulders sagged. Alec rarely saw the formidable woman deflate like this.

"I'm sorry Alec. I'm not going to force you to do anything."

It was like she read his mind.

"But I stand here, pleading with you. Begging you to just let me try to talk to you. I know I have a lot to atone for but I never stopped loving you."

Alec's head was pounding. He closed his eyes and pushed his fingers against his temples.

"What is there to say, mom? You've never noticed me. I stopped talking and you didn't think something was wrong?" He finally said. He tried to be angry but all he felt was hurt.

"Oh Alec, I knew something had to be wrong. I begged you to tell me, pleaded with you so many times. Not in a million years would I have guessed the truth. What he did..."

It was easier to be angry now. "So it's my fault? You think I wanted to stop talking? I tried mom. And I was scared and confused and hurt. I thought you wouldn't believe me or you would be disgusted with me."

He leaned back, pushing the drawer behind him closed, his hands clenched around the top edge of the dresser.

"And isn't that what happened when you found out. I disgust you, don't I? You look at me and you think how did my son let that man do that to him? Why wasn't he strong enough to stop him? He must have liked it."

Maryse stepped forward. Alec pressed further into the dresser like it would create more space between them.

She raised her hand and cupped his cheek with her palm. Alec flinched but his mom didn't let go. Only then did he realize she was wiping away his tears.

"Never, Alec. I have done so much wrong but I have never thought this was your fault. If anything, it's mine."

She brushed some of his hair out of his face as she continued to talk. Alec stood, frozen.

"Remember when I used to come into your room and sing to you when you were afraid of the dark?"

Alec stiffened. How many times had he wished that his mother would come in just once to sing to him? At night, alone in his room with a monster that even the dark could not conjure up. But he knew she never would.

"When I was 12 I told you I didn't need you to sing to me anymore. I said I was too old to be afraid of the dark," Alec said quietly. "And so you stopped coming."

"I wish I hadn't stopped, Alec."

And yet again, it was his fault this happened to him.

"But that doesn't make it your fault."

He looked at her, startled by how her words mirrored his thoughts.

"Most 12-year-olds would ask their mom to stop singing bedtime songs to them," she continued.

They stood silently for a moment before his mom reached forward again and placed her hand on top of his clenched one.

"Can we sit down?"

He nodded mutely. The energy needed to push away the love he so craved was too much to stop the momentum of their conversation.

His mom sat on the edge of his bed and Alec reluctantly followed, sitting beside her with at least a foot between them. He stared forward, not looking at his mother.

"I knew something was wrong but it never crossed my mind that Manson was...was..."

"Having sex with your kid," Alec said callously. He could see her flinch from the corner of his eyes.

"No one ever warns you as a parent of the possibilities. We learn about so many monsters but no one talks about the monsters amongst us. No one talks about what some adults are capable of doing to children."

Alec could feel the dampness on his face. He hated how easily this topic brought him to tears. It made him feel weak and helpless and that was the last thing he wanted, especially in front of his parents.

"It's not that you are the only Nephilim child that has been hurt like this but nobody in our community talks about it."

"Just like us," Alec muttered.

"I wanted him to be put away. The minute I saw him..." Her voice trailed off. She closed her eyes. "That night. It replays in my mind, like a broken record that I can never fix."

"You can't even say it," Alec said, bitterly. "You skirt around what actually happened to me, making "it" an euphemism for sexual abuse, for rape. I did that for a long time too. Hell, I still do. But I don't want to sit here and have this conversation when you can't even acknowledge what happened to me. Because while you might have one experience replaying in your head, I have _hundreds_ of unwanted memories to occupy my mind."

Maryse nodded, her face stricken. "You're right, Alec. I have struggled and made unforgivable choices. And I know I sit here asking you to forgive the unforgivable. On that night, I walked in on a trusted shadowhunter...raping my child." Her voice hitched and Alec flinched despite his prior declaration. "I stood in that bathroom and healed the physical manifestations of his abuse. I didn't argue with Robert's decision to let Manson go. We moved your room, rejoiced when you spoke and never discussed the abuse you suffered with you after that."

"Why?" Alec said, his voice sounding strained. He pressed his fingers into his thighs.

"I was scared. I was scared you would stop speaking if I talked about it. And I was scared to talk about the many ways I failed you. It was easier to convince myself that you would stop speaking again if I tried. That I would do more damage than good. That time was what you needed."

"You were wrong. I know I didn't want to talk about it but I know now that my silence trapped me in the pain I thought I was avoiding."

"I know, Alec," she said remorsefully.

"And letting him back into the Institute...how am I supposed to forgive that?"

She bowed her head.

Alec laughed suddenly. "I mean, ironically, I guess his presence spurred me into confronting my problems and talking about it but maybe if you had tried sooner I wouldn't need to face him in order to start dealing with my issues."

"When Jia told me he was coming to the New York Institute, I was shocked. I asked if I could speak to him so I could force him to stay away. She said he was in Madras at the time. I should have said something in that moment. I should have told her that I would not have that monster in my house."

Alec wondered if he would have been mad that his mother had told the Penhallows about it, not that it mattered now that the Clave knew. But it was still a paradox.

"I was a coward," Maryse said plainly. "But I don't want to be coward anymore, Alec. I don't want to be a stranger in my son's life. And I will spend the rest of my life working for your forgiveness but never expecting it."

Alec wiped away his tears roughly before placing a damp hand over his mother's and squeezing it. She looked up finally, staring at her son through glistening eyes.

Alec didn't know what to do. It was hard to sit there and stare into the blue eyes he had inherited. To imagine continuing to distrust the person who gave birth to him and wanted to make things right. This was definitely the longest and most honest conversation they had ever had.

Alec had learned not to trust at a young age. His world of people was small. It consisted of his parents, his siblings, Hodge, Manson and now Magnus and perhaps Clary and Simon. And of those people, three had hurt him and Alec had never had the avenue for forgiveness.

His mother squeezed his hand back, hope dancing in her eyes.

"I don't hate you but I don't yet trust you," Alec started. "But I am willing to work towards forgiveness."

His mom drew in some air and nodded eagerly. "Can I make you some pancakes for breakfast?" she asked, almost timidly, as if she was preparing for his rejection, as he had in the past.

Alec stood up and grabbed his towel. "That would be nice, mom," he said. "I'd like that."

**xxxxxx**

Maryse had just returned with the empty tray as Alec placed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front on Max. Robert entered the kitchen a few seconds later, dressed in gear.

"What's going on?" Maryse asked. Alec frowned. He rarely saw his father in gear now. He was too busy focusing on politics to get involved in the daily business of demon hunting. He was a large, imposing man and when Alec saw him in gear, he was reminded of the man he had once looked up to and even feared.

"There's heightened demon activity in the 60s."

"Well, I don't want to leave Alec here to deal with the two upstairs and risk getting sick."

Robert turned to Alec. "Son, get dressed."

Alec nodded mutely and left the kitchen, his mind running a mile a minute.

He had only gone hunting with his father a handful of times and not in the last three years.

The teenager returned, his bow and quiver strapped to his back and a seraph blade and dagger secured at his hip.

Robert took out his stele, tracing a glamor into his forearm so he would appear regularly dressed to mundanes. "We'll take a cab."

The two Lightwoods sat silently in the cab as it raced down the FDR, making its way to East 61st Street and York Avenue in under 5 minutes.

Alec's father shelled out cash for the cab driver before both men stepped out.

They hadn't said a word to each other. Alec avoided looking at his father. How was he supposed to trust his father in this fight?

Suddenly, a high-pitched scream ripped through the silence and Alec flew towards the sound, thoughts of his father gone. There was an overpass cutting over 61st Street creating two long walkways flanked by walk-up apartment buildings on one side. Alec turned down one of the dark deserted walkway towards the sound.

Up against the mesh fence that blocked the area beneath the overpass was a teenaged girl and a large towering man. Except he wasn't a man. He looked like one but he stunk of demon. His one hand was underneath her skirt and the other hand was clamped over her throat.

Flashes of memories instantly filled his mind. _Being pressed against a wall. Hand down his pants, strangling fingers at his neck._

Alec rushed forward and grabbed the demon's shoulder, pulling him away. The demon growled and pulled the girl with him. It turned to look at Alec and released his hold on the teen. She stumbled back and tried to fix her torn skirt.

"How dare you!" it hollered, it's words stilted and unnatural sounding. The shape-shifting demon had not realized that Alec was a shadowhunter. He could hear his father coming up from behind him as he drove his seraph blade right through the demon. The girl screamed again as the demon collapsed within itself and disappeared in a cloud of dust.

Without acknowledging his father, Alec turned towards the teenager. She pressed herself further into the fence, fear etched across her face. Alec didn't know what to say.

"Alec, there are more inside. We need to go," his father said.

"I'm sorry," Alec said softly before turning around and jogging after Robert.

By the time they made it to the sixth floor of the adjacent apartment building, Alec could hear music blasting from the apartment at the end of the hallway.

Robert drew an unlocking rune into the door before the shadowhunters stepped into the loud, crowded party. Alec's nostrils were assaulted by the stench of demons. The smell was overwhelming.

"Too many mundanes," Robert called out to his son.

Alec scanned the room. Music was blaring and people were grinding up against each other. The floor was sticky with spilt drinks. Everyone in the room looked drunk and significantly underaged.

The two Lightwoods were not glamoured invisible but no one noticed their entrance.

Alec finally looked at his father. "Turn off the music and yell at everyone to get out."

Robert looked at Alec confused.

"Most of them will think you're the father of whoever's throwing the party."

Nodding, Robert pushed through the crowd and found speakers hooked up to a computer. He turned off the speakers, extinguishing the music and bringing the dancers to a halt.

"What the fuck!" yelled a teenager.

"EVERYBODY OUT!" Robert bellowed.

Instantly teenagers started filing out of the apartment. One girl, about 16 years old approached Robert angrily. She was clearly intoxicated and appeared to be the host of the party. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Alec could see at least eight demons disguised as teenagers circle the two shadowhunters and the remaining girl.

Alec placed a hand on the girl's shoulder, drawing her attention to him. She looked at him and her face instantly seemed to brighten. "Aren't you gorgeous," she slurred.

He ignored her words. "Listen, when I say 'run', you run for the door and get out of the building."

She continued to look at him dreamily, nodding absently.

He quickly drew out his seraph blade, yelling "Gabriel" loudly. The blade sprung to life, glowing brightly.

"Actually, it's Madison," he heard the teenager say as he swung it at an oncoming demon.

The demons had lost their human form, growing into massive, grotesques forms made of scales and slime and horns.

His father was swinging his blade between two demons. Five demons surrounded Alec. One demon swung a long, sharp shaft at him, which he jumped over before plunging his blade forward. It stumbled backwards turning into dust as the other four crowded him.

"RUN!" Alec yelled.

The girl looked at him confused.

"Run, get out of here, NOW!" he said, turning towards her angrily. A demon took that moment to slash at him, cutting through the leather of his jacket and his side. Ignoring the pain, he spun around, swinging his blade. The demon moved quickly, his blade only severing an arm-like appendage. The demons surrounded him tightly, leaving him little room to maneuver his long blade.

He reached for a dagger, burying it in one demon while slamming his knee into another one. With a little more space available now, he plunged his blade into a third demon. It moaned and hissed but Alec didn't see what happened to it as he felt himself being lifted off the ground by another demon. Alec curled his legs back and slammed his feet into the demon's center with so much force that it toppled back, taking Alec down with it.

The fallen demon wrapped tentacles around Alec's center, blood from his wound seeping out quickly from the pressure. He struggled as another one loomed over him. Before he could reach for his fallen blade, it burst into ash, leaving his father towering over him and the demon beneath him.

Alec took the moment of reprieve to grab his blade and bury it into the demon holding him. He slammed into the floor as the demon turned into dust.

Robert held his hand out for Alec but the younger Lightwood sprang to his feet and drew his bow and arrow out, letting an arrow fly half an inch above Robert's head as a demon literally flew towards Robert's back.

The arrow pierced its center. It collapsed behind Robert and Robert instantly spun around, slashing the demon into two with his blade, the two halves bursting into ash.

The two shadowhunters stood alone in the destroyed living room, ash littering the floor.

"Are you all right son?" Robert asked, inspecting the teenager carefully.

"I'm fine," Alec said tightly.

"You're bleeding," Robert said, pointing to his side.

Alec winched as he moved to assess the damage.

"Here, let me," Robert started but Alec grunted and turned away. He carefully peeled away his leather jacket. Underneath, he was wearing a threadbare t-shirt that was now soaked in blood. He grimaced as he lifted it; the material was almost welded into the wound.

A hand fell on his arm and he jerked away, hissing as he disturbed the wound.

Alec closed his eyes. He wanted Jace. Jace was who he fought with. Jace was who healed him when Alec could not. Not this man who was essentially his father in title only.

But Jace wasn't here and the angle of the wound did not make marking himself effectively possible.

"Alec, please let me."

Reluctantly, Alec moved his arm away, exposing his side. He looked away as his father lifted the shirt high up. He felt fingers wiping away blood. He stood tensely, his nerves on edge as Robert's stele carved the rune into his skin, just above the wound.

He felt the injury slowly starting to heal. He turned to look at the wound and found his father staring. The man was still holding his son's shirt up, his eyes sweeping over the faded scars on his torso and arms.

Alec pulled away quickly, tugging the shirt down. It was a rather pathetic attempt with the gaping tear in the shirt exposing his skin anyway.

"Alec," Robert started.

"We should get out before the mundie police get here," Alec said stiffly. He put the jacket on and zipped it up. Because it was made of stiffer material than his shirt, the cut in the jacket was barely noticeable, leaving him sufficiently covered.

They walked out just as police cars pulled up to the building.

"Follow me," Robert said. Alec silently followed him, assuming they were heading for the subway but when they turned onto 62nd Street instead, Alec stopped.

"Where are you going?" he demanded.

"I know a place. We can get cleaned up."

"We could be home in 10 minutes," Alec protested.

"Please, Alec."

Robert had pleaded with Alec more times tonight than any other time in his life.

"You do what you want. I'm going home."

"We both have blood on us. Look, right there," he said as he pointed to a dimly lit storefront.

Alec groaned but followed the older Lightwood anyway. What harm was there in washing his hands before getting home.

The narrow storefront was actually a bar called The Third Rail. A tiny bell rang as they entered the dingy bar. Three patrons sat at the bar, leaving the tables empty. Behind the bar was a middle-aged woman.

She looked up at the men and nodded, pointing at a table in the back of the room as she stepped out from behind the bar.

"I could smell the angel blood from a mile away," she said, looking at Alec when they neared the table. "The bathroom is just behind that door."

Alec muttered a 'thank you' and stepped away. As he disappeared into the bathroom he could still hear the conversation between the bartender and his father.

"I haven't seen you here in ten years Robert," the bartender said.

"I haven't had a reason to," he said stiffly, like he didn't want to discuss his reasons for being here in the past.

"Is that your son?"

"Yes, my eldest," Robert said. He almost sounded proud.

Alec shook his head. "Don't imagine things that are not there," he muttered to himself. He tuned out the conversation and focused on cleaning up.

He had to admit, he felt better after washing up. He had tossed the shirt and opted for just the jacket zipped up. The smell of iron was less pungent now.

When he stepped out, his father was settled in the booth, his fingers wrapped around a pint of dark beer.

"What are you doing?" Alec asked, crossing his arms and glaring down at him.

"Sit, please."

"You've been saying please a lot lately."

"Son."

"You enjoy your drink. I'm going."

"When you were much younger, you used to think I was..."

"I used to think you were the strongest, most formidable shadowhunter," Alec said through gritted teeth. "I revered you. I was even a little scared of you. And all I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me."

He paused. He could feel his voice getting shaky. "And then I grew up," he spat out.

He shifted his eyes away, knowing that he wasn't being totally truthful. While he no longer put his father on some sort of pedestal, he still wanted him to care about him, to love him and to be proud of him. He _hated_ it. He felt pathetic for wanting that from his father, when he had proven on more than one occasion that he was not capable of it.

"Alexander."

Alec looked at his father reluctantly.

"You are right, Alec. I have not been a good father. I haven't even been a good shadowhunter."

Alec looked at him, surprised.

"Please, son."

Reluctantly, Alec slid into the booth. "Do you think the more you call me 'son', the more likely it will feel right?" he asked bitterly.

Before he could answer, the bartender arrived at their table.

"Anything for you, young man?"

Alec looked at his father's drink. "I'll have what he's having."

She clucked her tongue and shook her head.

"Stella, it's okay, give him the beer."

"21 and older only."

"Fine, he'll get a water and I'll get another beer than." He smiled at her pointedly.

Stella rolled her eyes. "Why do I even bother. He's your son."

"You know her well?" Alec asked.

After Stella returned with the drinks and left, Robert nodded. "But I haven't seen her in 10 years."

"What happened 10 years ago?" Alec asked.

Robert pushed the new pint in front of Alec, swirling his own drink absently.

"Max was born 10 years ago," Alec said. "You weren't around much then. I remember that."

Robert nodded mutely.

Alec curled his fingers around his glass.

"I've made a lot of mistakes."

"What's the line between mistakes and bad decisions?" Alec countered.

"It's a fine line. You're right, I've made a lot of bad decisions."

"I've heard that a lot from you and mom."

"You seem to be talking to your mom now."

Alec pressed his lips together. He still hadn't taken a sip of his beer, his hands still gripping it tightly. "Is that why you're trying so hard now?"

"I don't know what changed with you and Maryse but I realize that I cannot just wallow in my own pity and expect things to change."

Alec finally took a sip of the beer. It was surprisingly smooth with a fruity hint to it. Much better than the cheap stuff he had with Jace on that rooftop when he burned the pictures. "I didn't realize you were wallowing."

"I wallow in private."

Alec stifled a smirk. "Are you attempting to make a joke?"

"Miserably."

Alec felt cheated. Sitting here, having a beer with his dad like they had a relationship of trust. But Alec was not afforded that luxury.

"Did you ever care?" Alec finally asked.

"I always have."

Alec snorted. "You have an interesting way of showing it."

"I was a coward, Alec."

Alec stiffened. "Mom said that too."

"About me?"

"No, about herself."

Robert nodded. "I put her in a difficult situation."

Alec stared at him, the soft hum of the noises in the bar muted as if Alec and Robert were the only people there.

"That night..."

Alec pursed his lips, bracing himself for the onslaught of emotions that were brimming on the edge.

"Seeing that man on top of you, hurting you, hearing your cries. You were so small...you never had a chance."

"Is that what you say to convince yourself that it wasn't my fault?"

"No, Alec. I never..." He lowered his eyes, like the suds lining the top of his beer were going to give him the words. "I didn't know what to do."

"You were ashamed of me and you wanted to make it all go away," Alec retorted. "And in the process, I believed everything Benedict Manson ever told me."

"I repeated a cycle. A cycle I know my children will break."

Alec frowned. He took another sip of his beer. "I don't understand."

Robert looked up, watching Alec carefully. "My body rejected my first mark."

Alec's eyes widened. He stared openly at his father's runes, littered all over his exposed skin. "That's impossible," he whispered, like it was a hushed secret. A child who rejects the rune needs to have it cut and live as a mundane in order to survive. And that was obviously not the case.

"My parents refused to cut the mark. They rather I were dead than a mundane."

Alec flinched. He was all too aware of the Nephilim's obsession with reputation.

"I almost died in the process."

He knew that it had to be hard to disclose this past. "Why are you telling me this?" Alec asked.

"Because I learned then that my parents' love was not unconditional. Something horrific happened to you and in my concern for our fragile reputation, you suffered in silence all these years and I acted like my parents."

Alec saw the parallel. He gripped the edge of the table with both his hands. "So you admit to being ashamed of me. That you have conditions that I did not meet."

**xxxxxx**

Robert gulped down some beer, staring at his oldest son intently. "I am only ashamed of _my_ actions, Alexander. And I love you, no matter what."

The teenager shook his head. "Lies."

Robert knew that he deserved it. "Alec..." he started.

"If I were a girl, would you have swept it under the rug? Would you have been more angry than ashamed?"

Robert frowned. He thought about Manson hurting Isabelle and it made his blood boil. It made him feel murderous. But then he thought about his son. About what had happened that night.

The horror. The realization that what he was witnessing was the reason his son had been silent for so long. A grown man doing things to his son he never imagined. He wanted to kill him. The instinct was instantaneous. But he had squashed it. He had let thoughts of his reputation suppress his anger. And that decision had cost him his relationship with his son.

"I wish I had done something different," Robert said, knowing he wasn't answering Alec's pointed questions. "After that night, I had trouble sleeping. I had nightmares. I would watch you whenever I could from a distance."

"Why from a distance?"

"Because I didn't know what to say to you. I still don't. I had done the wrong thing. I failed you." His voice hitched and his fingers twitched. "I couldn't recognize you anymore. Gone was the curious child who wanted to make me proud. Left was a reserved and despondent teenager. And I knew that was my fault."

"I was dealing with almost a year of silently enduring that man's abuse." Alec looked away, watching a couple arguing at the bar. While he had berated his mother for not being able to call it rape, in front of his father he found himself unable to confront it. The feeling of shame seemed to run deeper with his father.

Alec tipped his glass passed his lip, swallowing as much beer as he could in one swig. "I-I don't want to talk about this anymore," he said, wiping the side of his mouth. He took another swig, draining the remaining beer.

Robert nodded his head. "Okay son. Let's just take a cab home." He threw a twenty on the table.

Alec stood up quickly, suddenly feeling suffocated in the small bar.

"Robert, it was surprise seeing you," Stella called out to them as they moved towards the door.

Robert grunted in response. "Nice seeing you too Stella."

Alec wondered about the history his father had with this bar but he was too exhausted to continue a conversation with the man. He focused all this energy on preventing flashbacks from overtaking his mind. He pressed his fingers into his thighs as they sat in the cab, digging his nails in as deeply as possible, trying to focus on that sensation instead of the memories.

**xxxxxx**

"So, both your parents have attempted to make amends with you?" Magnus summarized.

Alec was lying on his back on a blanket laid out on the rooftop of Magnus's apartment building. It was an unusually warm March night and Magnus had insisted on star gazing, even though the light pollution in New York made it impossible. Magnus was lying on his stomach, his chin resting on Alec's chest.

"Basically," Alec confirmed as he ran his fingers through Magnus's gel-free hair.

"How did you take it?" Magnus asked, his eyes reaching up to watch Alec carefully.

Alec bit his bottom lip. "I did something bad," he whispered. He dragged his eyes away from Magnus, looking up into the dark sky.

Magnus sat up and pushed back some of the younger man's hair.

"What did you do?" Magnus asked. His heart pounded. He knew what Alec was going to say.

Alec's face flushed with shame. "I cut myself." He turned his head to the side and cast his eyes down, long lashes hiding his blue irises.

"Where?"

"My thighs. I've healed them."

Magnus gently cupped Alec's chin and drew his gaze to him. "Do not be ashamed, Alec."

"How can I not? I was doing so well. Aren't you disappointed in me?"

"Alec, I'll never be disappointed in you."

The shadowhunter shook his head, dislodging the grip on his chin. "Disappointment in inevitable. Eventually, everybody disappoints you. I'm no different."

Alec stood up and walked to the edge of the roof, looking out into the city lights illuminating Manhattan. Magnus walked to him. "I'm here," he said before slowly wrapping his arms around him from behind. He pressed his lips into Alec's hair. "When you're happy, when you're sad and when you're disappointed."

The younger man leaned into the embrace. "I know," he whispered. He turned around and kissed Magnus lightly on the lips. "And I want to be here for you too."

He knew he wasn't as open with Alec as Alec was with him. Maybe it was unfair that he had pushed Alec into sharing so much when Magnus did not share his past.

Magnus leaned in, deepening the kiss. "You are," he murmured simply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urgh, not content with this chapter. But hopefully the next one will be better. Let me know what you think of the steps forward (and backward) with his parents. His relationship with them is a work in progress. Next up, an exchange of "I love you"s and more. And I will also address Magnus's lack of openness eventually...which is in tandem with the books. Thank you for sticking with me! Happy Valentine's Day :). I'm actually stuck in an airport right now, so good time to use the wifi to post.


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